2-bob Monkey Mafia

What is wrong with England?

2010-06-28T16:45:00.002+01:00

Teddy 'poisonous Ted' Sherringham regularly claimed that despite not being able or maybe just not willing to run on a football pitch, it was all OK because the first five yards where all in his head.

On occasions when he played against John Terry it would almost certainly ten yards, given Terry's unerring ability to be at least five yards from where he should be on almost any occasion that his location is of importance.

Of course his positioning is only part of what the man that the media like to refer to as 'JT' brought to this World Cup. Whether it was disposing of fringe players by the simple and effective method of getting caught giving an outing to little JT with their womenfolk, or attempting a poorly judged 'coup' at the training ground covered in exhaustive detail by a fawning media who love his 'passion' almost as much as they love a simple story that their readers will easily understand and doesn't require any sort of difficult footballing research or knowledge.

Of course, Terry isn't the only one to blame. You could have a go at Wayne Rooney for being as effective as a striker as male willpower is a contraceptive, but that would be missing out on Capello insisting on playing him whilst he was clearly blowing out his arse in what should have been simple group stage games against the USA and Algeria when Mini Judas and the Circus freak should easily suffice. You could declare that Frank Lampard is to tournament football what Nick Griffin is to cultural sensitivity, and that he can't hit a dead ball for England any more than he can create an effective midfield unit with Steven Gerrard, but again it's not the real reason.

The reason becomes slightly more apparent if you'd changed channel after the Germany debacle to watch the Argentina v Mexico game. Whilst both had pundits howling over 'refereeing errors' and for sure we should have video technology in football like Billy needs a new catchphrase, there where some very noticeable differences. Whilst some of the England team conspired to trap the ball further than the ball boys could throw one, both Latin American sides showed that it's not impossible for a team to combine speed and physical challenges with being able to be two footed, having good close control, and creating good runs off the ball amongst other things that English players seem to have beaten out of them in the quest to be bigger and faster than anyone else at a young age.

The whole system of player development in the UK needs to be revised, not just by the FA or the Premier League, but at every level. In England we have less than 10% of the coaches qualified to the highest level that our European neighbors have, and we are still insisting that kids are playing competitive 11 a side matches with a full size and weight ball almost as soon as they are out of nappies. We need professional clubs to pick up the skillful kids as well as just the big ones and the fast ones.

Of course, it won't happen. It'll be glossed over, the Premiership and SKY will continue to be dominated by revenue over good football with teams like Bolton and Stoke still relying on clogging great lumps to give them a chance of survival. And England will blame a few fringe players and the manager, and the 'Golden Generation' will go on to under perform in the Euro 2012 qualifiers prior to another inquest where Terry, Lampard, Gerrard and Rooney will be absolved.

Meh!, It's alright I suppose.

2010-06-28T16:30:00.002+01:00

For those of you dull enough to read my randomized noodling on here, you might have seen a rather cutting critique of the Guardian's Saturday listings magazine "The Guide" and in particular their scribbler one Pete Cashmore. Those even more lacking in worthwhile work time distractions such as Porn, Youtube videos of people being hurt or even a copy of Microsoft Solitaire might even have read the exchange between myself and Mr Cashmore or an even sadder individual pretending to be the same. It's covered such magnificent topics as terms of abuse and their correct application, male pattern baldness and vanity googling, i promise you, it really is dull as fuck.

But i digress, on the weekend there was included in 'The Guide' a lazy flowchart thrown together with clearly less than a full half hour's hard work, that purported to be an easy way to distinguish which Summer event of the weekend you where at. I have to applaud the boy Cashmore on one particular line in what was essentially a bit of filler, that did make me giggle.

"are you standing in actual sewage? Congratulations, you are at Glastonbury".

Nicely done. A witty confluence of all my own favorite prejudices against festivals in general, Glastonbury in particular, and especially the sort of wellyboots and shorts wearing, personal hygiene ignoring, Strongbow chugging inadequates who attend.

What I got wrong part Xii

2010-06-28T16:25:00.002+01:00

On the event of England's hopeless capitulation to the Germans, I thought I'd have a look back at the World Cup up to that point, which lets be honest is as good as the end for most Ingerlund fans...

GROUP A

Well, France really did spontaneously combust, which was even more dramatic than I was expecting. It wasn't any secret that Domenech was widely reviled, but the extent of that antipathy in the playing squad and the number of internal conflicts that they managed to crank up in just a couple of weeks in South Africa was truly impressive.

I predicted that a good tournament for Thierry Henry would see them qualify for the last 16, and Domenech virtually refused to play him and promptly went out. So far so good.

South Africa came closer to progressing than I expected, and I completely missed their better players, choosing instead to ridicule Fats McCarthy. I stand by that decision.

Mexico and Uruguay went through, Mexico where good and I was spot on with Forlan being far better than the tabloids where willing to admit before, being obsessed with his 'failure' at Old Trafford, and Lodiero was mustard as well. Which is nice.

GROUP B

It's all about Argentina. Oh yes. And I also called South Korea to qualify for the last 16. I'm pleased enough with that.

GROUP C

On the thirty first of May i said this:

"Ferdinand and Terry are both too old, too unfit and too positionally inept to win a world cup as Center backs.

Their Understudies are King and Upson, who are repsectively too unfit and had an absolute stinker of a season.

The first choice Fullbacks are good, Cole and Johnson. Beyond that we are in trouble.

We have far too many wide midfielders that are runners not players.

Lampard and Gerrard can't play together, but we have nobody else good enough to play with them individually. Also, Lampard is shit with a dead ball, but insists that he takes everything.

Rooney looks dead on his feet, so should be rested for the group games and Defoe and Crouch trusted to get the job done so he is fresh for the last 16. Won't happen though."

Nothing happened that changed my mind.

The Americans where good enough to qualify but not good enough to go any further, and Slovenia and Algeria as limited as the predictions suggested.

GROUP D

Ah, this is where it all goes wrong.

Germany did better than I predicted in the group, and 'one to watch' Tasci didn't get a game as far as I know.

The predicted England v Australia game didn't happen either as both teams stunk the place out, with England finishing second to the USA, who went on to lose to Ghana in the last 16, and Australia getting roundly tonked by everyone.

Serbia, who i blew smoke up the arse of, also sucked.

I was right about Asamoah Gyan though, who is now being linked with West Ham, so will instantly become rubbish.

GROUP E

Again, predictions didn't live up to the billing, with Cameroon inexplicably playing Samuel Eto'o as a withdrawn forward who had no impact at all, and I completely missed Honda, Japan's main man.

Holland and Japan went through, although i do hold on to the caveat i made at the time that without Eto'o being on fire Cameroon would struggle, he wasn't and they did.

GROUP F

Ah. Italy. yes, well I got that very wrong didn't I?

Slovakia who I knew nothing worthwhile about went through, as did Paraguay about whom I was equally in the dark.

And to add insult to injury, New Zealand who I ridiculed turned out to be real World Cup surprises who didn't get battered at all but played their hearts out and where not far off qualifying from the group.

In my defense, I was right about Vittek and Stoch of Solvakia being useful.

GROUP G

As predicted by anyone with much of a clue at all, it was all about Brazil and Portugal once Drogba was injured, and so it came to pass. However what should have been the marquee game of the group stages, Brazil v Portugal, was a terrible game of football.

Pleased ish with having spotted Nilmar as a key player for Brazil, and the fantastic shout of Kim Jong Il as the key man for North Korea after the coach revealed that he was communicating with the Great Leader by invisible mobile.

GROUP H

Another one where the wheels almost came off, with Spain managing to lose their opening game to Switzerland, but in the end the Spanish and Chileans went through, pretty much as I'd suggested.

So, from the group stages I predicted 8 teams correctly, had a further 4 right on progressing, but in the wrong order, and France, Italy, Australia and Nigeria who i tipped but didn't make the grade.

ROUND OF 16

So far Uruguay have beaten South Korea, Ghana beat the USA and Germany beat England......so no shocks yet beyond the USA qualifying ahead of England, and England not being technically proficient enough to beat the Germans.

Sad but true.

UPDATE No5 - AARGH!!! MY FACE!!!!

2010-06-21T17:29:00.000+01:00

Just 24 hours on and yet more joy in South Africa, or at least a wry smile for the cynics in the crowd.

John Terry's much replayed 'Crisis meeting' turned out to be little more than a fatherly chat from Fabio and a bit of a boys night in with the Algeria video according to Frankie. Then again, Frank did also feign astonishment that 'JT' didn't mention him when listing players unable to unlock a World Cup defense. Apparently he didn't immediately storm down and hammer on Terry's door after his comments, rumors that he called Malouda and asked him to do it for him are unfounded.

Kim Jong-Hun obviously lost his invisible mobile phone down the back of the hotel sofa, preventing him from obtaining the tactical wisdom of the Great Leader, and taking a 7-0 spanking off Portugal. Nevermind North Korea, the Gulag is probably quite nice at this time of year.

Brazil beat Cote de Ivoire, and Chile beat Switzerland, but both losing teams got a measure of revenge with the latest World Cup craze amongst bored players who can't even play Golf any more, waiting for innocuous touch from an opposition player, and then throwing one's self at the floor clutching your face. It's a cunts move, for sure.

Getting so much better all the time

2010-06-20T17:18:00.000+01:00

We are a week into the World Cup and it's getting better and better.

Ok so the actual games have been a bit dull with only a couple of games with more than a single goal separating the teams, and the host nation taking an early bath, it's been more of an endurance test watching 3 games a day for the last 9 days.

But behind the scenes it's been BRILLIANT!

Fifa have been leading the way, arresting ladies for wearing the wrong colour frock at the Holland v Denmark game, arresting a tout for trying to shift 70 odd tickets whilst Fifa delegate Jack Warner has been shifting them by the hundred, and generally getting on everyone's tits.....

England have been abysmal, and Wayne Rooney has had to apologize for having a pop at the fans who told him so. But at least the booing drowned out the Vuvuzellas. Apparently John Terry is promising a big bust up at the team meeting tonight, although fuck knows what he thinks gives him the right to be shouting the odds off the back of his own performance, so that might get things a bit more lively....

But England can't hold a candle to our Gallic cousins across the Channel, as I might have mentioned before Raymond Domenech isn't widely admired as coach, and having warmed up with a bust up with midfielder Florent Malouda, he eased himself into the group stages by being physically separated from Patrice Evra on the training pitch, and then sending Anelka home after he abused the Manager when substituted, calling him a "dirty son of a whore". Aware that they where unlikely to make the second round, the French revved up for their Cup Final today by refusing to train, having two support staff resign, and generally getting more involved with the internal bickering. Whilst the team is obviously suffering a footballing hangover from the retirement of Zinadine Zidane, as far as fighting with each other goes they are hot favourites.

The other pre tournament favourites to self combust,Holland, have managed to keep it remarkably together. Even Wesley Snejider has stuck to football and the Oranjie are looking good off the back of their new found harmony having clocked on as the first team to qualify for the round of 16.

Whilst the German camp is solid, they have drafted in living legend and Bayern Munich talisman Franz Beckenbauer to aim a series of well aimed and very public jibes at their potential opponents in the next rounds. So far 'The Kaiser' has mauled the Americans, described Brazil as 'boring' and said that England are a kick and rush side that has gone backwards.......so spot on so far then. Back home one of their TV pundits got all Third Reich over Germany scoring, which whilst it was uber non-PC in itself might have been glossed over had the scorer not been Polish born Miroslav Klose.

Brazil have also taken a beating from Argentina Manager and general social hand-grenade Diego Maradonna. whilst he's still really just warming up, it can only be a matter of time until he really launches into the old enemy, Pele. Whilst the British Press insist that Maradonna is so mentalist as to be a complete liabillty, his team seem to be discounting that suspicion by being the only other guaranteed qualifiers with a 100% record in their two games so far.

Spain again looked to grasp defeat from the jaws of Victory by losing their first match against Switzerland......

And Italy, the holders, have spurned the idea of defending the title from the front by drawing their first game with Paraguay, and as I type being held 1-1 by the mighty New Zealand in the 86th minute. As yet there has been no real recriminations, but then we are still 4 minutes from the final whistle and the urgent requirement to beat Slovakia by a hatfull on Thursday to stumble into second place behind Paraguay assuming they manage at least a draw against NZ. Italy will then face Holland in the last 16 rather than the more managable proposition of Japan.

Dunga's Brazil have the opportunity of throwing off the Boring tag in their second game tonight against Ivory Coast. They scraped a 2-1 win in the first game against North Korea, but to be fair it's more than possible that the tactical genius of Great Leader Kim Jong Il is the thing that enabled them to match the Brazillians, that he communicates to team manager Kim Jong-hun via mobile telephones invisible to the naked eye that the Great Leader himself invented. Or so the North Koreans are claiming.

African hopes seem to hinge on Ghana and Cote de Ivoire at this stage, with Cameroon needing to beat the Clogs by at least two in their final game, and hope that Denmark do them a favour and beat the Japanese if they are to qualify. Nigeria need to beat South Korea on Tuesday by a similar margin and hope quite reasonably that Argentina do a job on Greece. The hosts will need a quite frankly unfeasable six goal win over France to stay in, and for Uruguay or Mexico to win without reply.

So as we move into the second week of group games, with the third games starting on Tuesday, this is where we are:

Group A

Uruguay and Mexico will both go through unless France or South Africa win and win well when they meet on Tuesday.

Group B

Argentina are through, South Korea are likely to join them unless they get well beaten by Nigeria and Argentina don't beat the Greeks.

Group C

England need to beat Slovenia to qualify. The USA also need a win against Algeria, who can only go through with a 2 goal victory over the Americans.

Group D

Germany need to beat Ghana as Serbia have to be favorites to beat the execrable Australians. That would put Germany through second to Serbia, and therefore playing England in the last 16 if England go through as group winners. If Ghana beat the Germans, and the Australians beat Serbia, then the Aussies can still go through and the Germans go out.

Group E

Holland are through, Japan will join them with a point against Denmark, who need to beat Japan to claim the second spot. Cameroon need a miracle.

Group F

Italy and New Zealand drew today, so now Italy will need to beat Slovakia to progress, unless NZ beat Paraguay, in which case it will be down to goal difference.

Group G

Only one game played so far, so hard to say. Brazil have a win, and Ivory Coast and Portugal drew.

Group H

Shock result of the tournament so far was Switzerland beating Spain, with Chile beating Honduras being a little less shocking. One game down, and Spain need 2 wins. Chile and Switzerland play tomorrow and the winner of that game will qualify.

Uruguay v France

2010-06-11T21:53:00.001+01:00

Uruguay in light blue as the home side, looking every inch the poor man's Argentina, and France in their white 'away' kit, looking very Addidas retro and still making the most of their colonial heritage despite Zou Zou having retired. Anelka plays up front on his own, with Ribery on his left, and both full backs making the most of Uruguay's narrow 3 up front formation to get forward. Uruguay have Diego Forlan up front with his Robbie Savage hair.

Early doors France are playing nice little triangles and on about five minutes Ribery almost releases Anelka, but the referee penalises the frenchman for a pull. A minute later Ribery gets the first decent cross of the game in, and Govou makes a horlicks of what should have been the opening goal by missing from six yards.

It's another ten minutes before we see anything meaningful in front of goal as Forlan has a lovely long distance effort saved, before wunderkind Gorcouff has a dig from 30 yards as well a couple of minutes later and forces another good save.

Ribery joins Evera in the book for the same offence of pulling his man back as the clock heads toward 20 minutes. France are playing better football, but Uruguay have defended well but have been given up possession too easily with some hospital passes that mostly give France the ball back.

Gorcouff is determined to win goal of the tournament by hitting it from distance at every opportunity.

Around 37 minutes Galas is lucky to get a whistle from the referee as he loses Suarez who would have been clean through, Suarez seems unable to see the defenders inside him and consequently has been caught offside several times.

Just before half time Anelka fails to get a proper header on a good Sagna cross, and the teams go off, Uruguay to see if they can find some width, and the French to continue the Olympic standard bickering between Malouda and Domenech. Maybe they will have to be separated forcibly again.

The second half starts with no changes, and Gourcuff gets involved almost straight away with an overhit pass over the top into the area.

Forlan hits a free kick awarded for a foul on Suarez well to the far post, but Diaby is first to the ball, followed by a volley blasted wide by Arevalo. The Uruguay players seem to be finding it hard to stay on their feet, maybe the wrong studs?

In the fifty first minute Forlan gets on the end of a very good long ball out of defence, but Galas just about does enough by lunging in at the last minute. Forlan retaliates by landing on his meat and two veg.

Shortly after this i get interrupted by a text from Papa John's Pizza offering me a 'big game deal' tommorow. Do these cunts not know that there is a game on?

Gourcuff bangs another long range hit and hope effort in, the French are playing at a very English pace, unsuprisingly with so many Premiership players in there, but are lacking quality in the final third (he says dipping into his big book of footballing cliches)

Fifty Fifth minute, and Touralan catches a does of 'Gourcuff' and has a pop from fifty yards. The keeper gets down well to save, but it was going wide anyway.

Vic-Torino as I like to call him gets yellow for a tackle on the edge of the area, and Gourcuff spurns his opportiunity to just lash it in by crossing to Ribery who is on the edge of the D, and er, lashes it well high and wide.

Straight up to the other end, and Uruguay win a free kick in a similar area. They substitute Gonzalez for Lodiero who has featured heavily in the qualification matches. Forlan then hits the free kick straight at the keeper.

Evera is living dangerously with a nasty foul. he's already on a yellow. Lodiero is also booked for kicking the ball away

Things suddenly liven up when Touralan commits a nasty foul and the players get involved in a bit of handbags. Domenech who is loathed to miss the opportunity for a ruck this World Cup is straight up off the bench and gets involved. Straight away Diaby keeps it lively by clattering into a Uruguay player straight after the restart. The French bench decides to bring on Henry to improve their attacking play, inexplicably taking Anelka off for him. Govou has been dogshit, and clearly has some photos of Domenech in a compromising position with a poodle that he has threatened to show to Malouda if he's taken off.

Gourcuff is at it again, that one is almost a throw in. Domenech decides to make another change and Malouda is given time off from making voodoo dolls of the Manager in the back of the dugout to replace Gourcuff. He immediately proves he is the perfect replacement with a hopeful 40 yard luzz.

Lodiero is sent off for a frankly shocking tackle on Sagna in the 80th minute, could easily have been a straight red. Sagna leaves the pitch in order to call Domenech a cunt as he puts his shin pads back in. meanwhile Henry spurns a decent chance by being offside.

Raymond finally remembers that Govou is on the pitch, and immediately replaces him with Gigac the Toulouse striker, who jogs to the right wing position. no, seriously. France are all over it now, and Uruguay just can't get a foot on the ball. They bring on Eguren for Perez just for the fresh legs in the center of the park

Late in the game the French make a deeply ironic appeal for hand ball against Vic-Torino. It never is.

Thats pretty much that then, Malouda fails to beat the first man from a corner, Henry hits the wall from a decent free kick on the edge of the area, but all in all Uruguay hang on for the draw.

Man of the Match - Sagna - France.

South Africa v Mexico

2010-06-11T21:51:00.001+01:00

It's here!!!! The World Cup has started.

Well, it finished 1-1.

I said earlier that the South Africans would need a huge dose of home advantage, and they look to have got that.

The first half was all Mexico, with the SA keeper making a superb reaction save from Franco, and another blinding save later in the game. In the second half the Mexicans couldn't maintain their domination of the possession, and the home side's first really convincing attack led to a goal that was either brilliant or a very lucky bit of hit and hope. Mexico always looked good value for an equaliser though, and as I mentioned, local desperation to keep the dream going led to a couple of really nasty looking last ditch tackles, and toward the end some very Wimbledon route one football. Mexico's goal was beautifully crafted, with Marques controling and placing the ball beautifully.

Right, now what time does the France game start?

2010-06-10T11:17:00.001+01:00

UPDATE No3

This one is the last before the phony war is over, and we can start to talk about actual matches rather than the last friendlies or who has fallen over a bit and isn't feeling to chipper.

England of course played a final friendly earlier in the week against local team Platinum Stars, and you'll notice the complete absence of comment on it here. Thats mainly because despite watching most of it live on Sky Sports News I really couldn't find anything at all worth commenting on other than Wayne Rooney being a bit stupid, which you'll already have found out from one of the many press reports on a meaningless match, and the fact that the whole match was played at the sort of pace that would make Test Match cricket look like a second by second thrill ride.

What was vaguely interesting was that the Manager chose to start with Mini Judas and the Sideshow Freak up front, which coincides with my own feelings about the group stage, maybe Fabio reads me.

Other England news revolves around who has fallen over, who didn't fancy training, and when Rio Ferdinand will go home and then come back again. It also involves Dizzy Rascal who i rather like and James Corden who is kicking the arse out of it.

In other news, Mr Capello has had a row with a photographer. how exciting!

INJURIES

Manc and Portugal second string gheyboy Nani is out. If his performance for his National team is anything like his performances for his club, then it's probably a result for Portugal as they aren't short of drama queens as it is.

Iniesta has a minor thigh strain picked up in Spain's 6-0 demolition of long term England Nemesis Poland.

Terrifyingly, David Villa, David Silva, Torres, Fabregas and Xabi Alonso all scored in the game, so Spain wouldn't look as short of Goal scorers as say, England.

Sulley Muntari is a worry for Ghana, who have already lost Michael Essien from their midfield.

TRANSFER NEWS

World cup related transfers, quite apart from the dull and interminable Fabregas to Barcelona soap opera include Joe Cole and Michael Ballack having been released by Chelsea but no announcements on clubs yet, and Everton buying Portugal striker Joao Silva.

Less concrete is Villa losing Millner to Man Citeh who will also end up with Zatlan Ibrahimovich from Barca according to Hristo Stoichkov who doesn't rate the lanky Swede.

Apparently Inter Milan fancy Dirk Kuyt and Javier Mascherano, who would have guessed that link what with them being less than loved by the Liverpool fans and beardie loser Rafa Benietez going to Inter......

MATCH PREVIEW

SOUTH AFRICA V MEXICO

The big opener.

South Africa will need an enormous dose of home advantage to beat the useful Mexican side that has recently performed well against England and Holland before beating Italy in a late warm-up game.

South Africa have been woeful in recent years, and have lost their portly top striker Benni McCarthy who has swapped football for Pro-celebrity pie eating in the last 12 months.

Arsenal fans will keep an eye out for Mexico striker Vela, whilst Everton and Plymouth fans will be following Bafana Bafana with Steven Pienaar and Aaron Mokoena respectively playing in the Saffa side.

FRANCE V URUGUAY.

Bookies have the first booing of French coach Domenech at 30 to 40 seconds into the game following their last warm up game ending in an embarrassing defeat to China.

Florent Malouda has been all over the press telling the world that les Bleus are rubbish, and Thiery Henry's place in the team for the opening game is in doubt.

France are also notorious for their slow starts in Tournaments, so could be on the end of a hiding here. there's little point in listing players you might know, as you have heard of all of them, but do keep an eye out for Youan Gorcouff of Bordeaux, who is a very decent player and might well end up, shockingly for a Frenchman, at Arsenal.

Uruguay qualified well, beat a useful Israel team 4-1 in a late qualifier, and are playing well. Manc Utd fans may or may not want to cheer on Diego Forlan, but far more interesting is 23 year old Ajax striker Luis Suarez who has scored a fair few and is fancied by some of Europe's biggest clubs if he continues in the same vein.

Herbielizer update

2010-06-08T11:37:00.004+01:00

Well, it's been almost two years now since it ran in anger, last season being completely missed due to financial and family problems, but The herbielizer will be back on the track this summer, possibly as soon as the Summer Nationals.

As we speak the car is at RNJ Motorsport with Rob Judge casting the magic spanners over the engine that we blew at VW Action 2008, and will have it in the car running soon with a freshly polished and balanced crank, a new rod and a new set of bearings as the last lot got cooked.

Monkeŷ and I spent the other weekend pulling out the door windows and winder mechs in advance of some new Perspex windows, and the splendid Jake Pyro has donated a new race seat to hold me off the floor of the newly barren interior. That's quite a lot of weight lost from the car, and along with some engine development as things progress we hope to see a ten second timing ticket at some point this season.

Biggest and best news though is that we have secured some sponsorship that should see the car with a new look and someone more reliable than me sorting the race entries. A full announcement will appear on here soon.

One love.

Justin R

On those horrible St George flags on cars...

2010-06-07T13:15:00.005+01:00

If you drew a venn diagram showing in one circle people who know something about football, and in the other people who have little tesco St George's Crosses on their cars, then there would be a very small intersection.

However, if you drew a similar diagram of people who put shit plastic 'Ingerlund' flags on their cars, and people who read tabloid newspapers, believe stories like those going around that THEY are stopping people flying the flag, and are somewhat suspicious of foreign people and believe that they smell and are sometimes evil, then the two circles would almost overlap one another completely.

Things during a world cup that are crap:

Cheap flags hung in windows, especially those which have 'England' written across the middle in case you don't recognise the flag itself, or a brand name such as 'Sports Soccer' or 'Carlsberg'

Plastic George Crosses, either on cars or waved in pubs.

Knock-off 'England' clothing or nylon football shirts. The only exceptions being a proper red 1966 replica in cotton with no manufacturers logos, or genuine Admiral retro 1982 England shirts. add crass points for the names 'Lampard' or 'Rooney' on the back.

Stoodents in the pub wearing Brazil or Holland shirts that they have just brought, because they don't dig the hysteria man, and just want to watch the beautiful game. the affected twats. Unless they are actually Brazilian or Dutch.

Being so drunk by kick-off that you have no idea which country you are in, let alone which ones are playing.

Only wanting to watch Ingerlund matches. also pubs that only show Ingerlund games, despite there being a full 31 other teams involved some of which are much better at football than Ingerlund.

World Cup Update

2010-06-07T12:58:00.000+01:00

UPDATE 2

England

Well, unless you have been asleep for the last week you'll know that Rio Ferdinand is out and has been replaced by Dawson.

Several other players missed individual training sessions, but no big news.

Tonight England will play a 'friendly' against local side Platinum Stars in Rustenberg. The tabs are up in arms because they don't have a great disciplinary record, but the real shocker is that Capello is planing to play his 'first 11' that will start against the USA, and by implication a team that will have to last the whole tournament.

Gareth Barry is still crocked according to the BBC, and will miss the USA game.

Friendlies

Wednesday 2 June

Zimbabwe 0-3 Brazil
Greece 0-2 Paraguay
Azerbaijan 0-0 Honduras
Poland 0-0 Serbia

Thursday 3 June

Spain 1-0 South Korea
Italy 1-2 Mexico 19:15
Germany 3-1 BiH

Friday 4 June

Japan 0-2 Ivory Coast
Slovenia 3-0 New Zealand
France 0-1 China

Saturday 5 June

Netherlands 6-1 Hungary
Australia 1-3 USA
South Africa 1-0 Denmark
Ghana 1-0 Latvia
Algeria 1-0 UAE
Romania 3-0 Honduras
Slovakia 3-0 Costa Rica
Serbia 4-3 Cameroon
Switzerland 1-1 Italy

Sunday 6 June

Nigeria 3-1 North Korea

Not many shocks there, Holland looking good value, and the USA winning by two but struggling in the second half against Australia. Italy drawing with Switzerland is mildly interesting, especially after losing to Mexico. France lost to China, Brazil and Paraguay looked good with painless wins against decent opposition.

Injuries

Robben looking doubtful for Holland after injuring his hammy in the friendly against Hungary

Liverpool man Martin Skertl hurt his ankle playing for Slovakia in their win over Costa Rica

Ghana looked iffy in a 1-0 win over Latvia in sunny Milton Keynes, clearly missing Essien who is out with a knee injury.

John Obi Mickel is also out with knee and ankle injuries

Didier Drogba had surgery on a broken arm on Saturday, but still hopes to make the first game.

World Cup Update

2010-06-07T12:57:00.000+01:00

UPDATE No.1

Well, I suppose the big news yesterday was that the England final 23 was announced. It's been much discussed on the site already, so let me just say that I'm glad that Walcott didn't make the plane, glad that Joe Cole and Steven Warnock did, and gutted that Scott Parker and Michael Dawson didn't make it.

The squad is:

Goalkeepers: Joe Hart, David James, Robert Green.

Defenders: Jamie Carragher, Ashley Cole, Rio Ferdinand, Glen Johnson, Ledley King, John Terry, Matthew Upson, Stephen Warnock

Midfielders: Gareth Barry, Michael Carrick, Joe Cole, Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Aaron Lennon, James Milner, Shaun Wright-Phillips.

Forwards: Peter Crouch, Jermain Defoe, Emile Heskey, Wayne Rooney

For my money we shouldn't be thinking of playing Ferdinand, Terry, Lampard, Gerrard or Rooney and Heskey until the Round of 16 at the very earliest, unless we have either qualified early and can afford them a light stroll in a meaningless last group game, or in dire emergency.

There are players there who need to play themselves in, and the players mentioned need longer to be fully fit for the important games. It works from both sides of the coin, and the 'second string' players should be easily capable of beating our group opposition.

in other news.....

Samuel Eto'o got himself sent off as Cameroon lost in a friendly with Portugal. Eto'o is still mightily pissed off at Roger Milla having a pop at him in the local press, and this won't help his mood.

Marchello Lippi left the only non-Italian based player out of his final squad, Guiseppe Rossi of Villareal. Francesco Totti also failed to make the plane despite coming out of retirement to lend the Azzzuri a hand.

Disgusting Fatbody Benni McCarthy was left out by South Africa. Rumours that the local federation couldn't afford the excess baggage charges on the West Ham lard arse are unfounded. The rest of the Saffa squad had a good night out, beating Guatemala 5-0 in their penultimate warm-up game.

The Cloggies handed out a sound thrashing to potential England R16 opponents Ghana last night, goals from Kuyt, Van der Vaart, Wesley Snijder and Van Persie sealed a 4-1 victory for the Dutch. Hup Holland!

Chelsea youngster and FvdE 'one to watch' Miroslav Stotch made the final squad for Slovakia, after impressing on loan at FC Twente and scoring 12 goals on their run in to the Dutch league title.

Friendly results:

Australia 1-0 Denmark
Netherlands 4-1 Ghana
Portugal 3-1 Cameroon
Switzerland 0-1 Costa Rica

The Salford Red Devils have signed Mexico striker Javier Hernandez subject to a work permit. Meanwhile Giovanni Dos Santos has threatened to quit the squad over the exclusion of his brother. oh bless.

Harry Redknapp is definitely not tapping up Scott Parker with a page long soliloquy to the West Ham midfielder published in the Daily Mail today.

The Straylian's have failed to submit their final 23 man squad before the FIFA deadline. Maybe they just can't read to well, or they left the team sheet in the pub or something.

Oh, and Marca in Spain is saying that Stevie G is on his way to lead The Special One's Real revival.

The World Cup - My stuff migrated from VZi so it stays together.

2010-06-07T12:43:00.003+01:00

Tomorrow is June, so it's just 12 days from the kick off of the 2010 World Cup Finals for Association Football.

The Tabloids and even the grown up papers will all be publishing 'guides' to the FIFA World Cup TM, pretending for a minute that they can talk about something other than England and Premiership based players, so I thought I would have a go as well.

GROUP A

FRANCE:

The main thing that you need to know about this year's vintage of 'Les Bleus' is that absolutely everybody hates Raymond Domenech. The players hate him, the fans hate him, and the media hate him. so in that sense the French are totally together.

The team is acceptable, although they struggled a little in qualification, only beating the Faroe Islands by a single goal away, and drawing with Romania and Serbia, requiring the infamous assistance of Thierry Henry's hand to beat Ireland in a play-off.

Most of the team is made up of Arsenal players and ex-Arsenal players, but haven't yet made the step across from the old boys of the Thierry Henry era into the brave new world of the latest Clairefontaine graduates.

Key Player: If Thierry Henry can remember where the net is they should make it through the group stage. This time.

One to watch: Youann Gourcuff of Bordeaux. Might be at Arsenal next season if Cesc's Dad gets his way.

MEXICO

Did well in qualifying in the less testing CONCACAF group, second to the USA and 17th in the FIFA rankings.

Used to be personified by being photofit five foot six barrel chested Aztec shitkickers, but all seem to look Spanish these days, and less inclined to on-pitch fistycuffs.

Really should have beaten England and Holland in recent friendlies if that means anything, and should go through with the French from Group A, assuming no local favoring FIFA shenanigans.

Key Player: They've selected about a dozen forwards, so the meager midfield will be anchored by vetran Torrado, who along wih fellow vetrans Franco and Blanco will add some experience to the squad.

Ones to watch Arsenal and Tottenham combine as Carlos Vela and Giovanni Dos Santos hope to impose themselves.

SOUTH AFRICA

Wouldn't have got to the finals if they weren't hosting it. Mind you, Brazilian coach Perreria has taken four different teams to the finals, so you can't rule anything out.

Ranked 83rd in the Fifa rankings, they will be heavily reliant on the foreign based players to get anywhere, although apart from a few Premiership journeymen most of those ply their trade in the less challenging Greek and Israeli leagues.

Key Players: Captain and Portsmouth player Aaron Mokoena and Everton's Stephen Piennar are both as close to quality as South Africa get.

One to watch: West Ham's Benni McCarthy. Will he be playing up front having got fit at the pre-tournament training camp, or will he be doubling up as a kid's bouncy castle on the sidelines?

URUGUAY

Respectable South American side used to fighting for the scraps behind Brazil and Argentina in Copa America and World Cup qualifying.

Still cling defiantly to the shitkicking Aztec mould that Mexico have recently abandoned, they have a decent side that will think that they have the best chance in a while of making it out of the group stages. Mostly famous for winning far more often before the 1950's.

Key Player Forlan had a good season at Athletico Madrid. No, honest.

One to watch Nicholas Lodeiro was player of the match in their qualifying play off game, and has made some appearances for Ajax late in the season.

GROUP B

ARGENTINA

Led by former Coke fiend and all round mentalist Diego Maradona, they did appallingly in qualifying, and are by all accounts in a state of disarray.

Therefore, they will of course win it.

No, bear with me. Maradona might not be the world's best manager, but he might just know how to motivate the famously contrary South Americans in a World Cup Finals.

Key Players: er.... Heinze, Higuain, Messi, Tevez, Mascherano, Maxi Rodriguez, Samuel......

Player to watch Will you have Juan Sebastian Veron? apparently having an Indian Summer at Estudientes? no? ok then, any of the rest of them really.

GREECE

Led by typically efficient German Otto Rehagell, they beat Ukraine in a playoff after finishing second to Switzerland in qualifying.

Basically the Panathinaikos team with a few others added to make up the 22.

key player: f Theofanis Gekas scored ten in qualifying, so will be a key player in the tournament itself for them.

Players you will have heard of: Sotirios Kyrgiakos of Liverpool or perhaps Georgios Samaras of Celtic??

NIGERIA

African Light-Heavyweights with a massive selection of European based players whose names begin or end in O or U.

Interesting in that all 3 of their goalkeepers play in Israel.

A disappointing 3rd in the Africa Cup of Nations earlier in the year means that they will either be eager for revenge, or slipping further from the heights. Their players might not be the biggest names in African football, but they have more strength in depth than some.

Key Players: Everton pair of Yakubu and Yobo.

Players to watch: Bolton's Danny Shittu? average player, puntastic name. oh ok then, John Obi Mikel of Chelsea, and Obafemi Martins had a decent term at Wolfsburg.

SOUTH KOREA

Probably more concerned by torpedo attacks from Kim il Jung than the World Cup, so can be forgiven if their mind isn't 100% on it...

Surprise package of the Japan/Korea World Cup which has led some of the better players to play abroad, Cruised qualifying and will hope to qualify alongside Argentina in possibly the closest race for second place in the tournament.

Key Player: Park Ji Sung - Manc with a great chant

You might also have heard of: Lee-Chung Young. plays for Bolton.

GROUP C

ALGERIA

Had a relatively blinding ACN, where they finished 4th despite a record 4-0 loss to the hated Egypt, they extracted revenge by beating them in a qualification playoff, but realistically will be lucky if they get past the group stage here.

Mainly French and German based players along with a sprinkling of locally based ES Setif players.

They play a good style of football, so will be entertaining to watch, and are even more antipathetic to the French than we are, although they have no chance of playing them in this tournament.

Key Player: Rafik Sailif of Istres in France. easily the higest scorer in International football that they can muster.

One to watch: well, I'll be mostly watching Belhaj as he might well end up at West Ham following the wholesale purchase of the Portsmouth team by Golivan and Avram Grant.

ENGLAND

Do I have to? If you really don't know, just read any newspaper published in the months of May and June.

Oh OK.

Basically:

Ferdinand and Terry are both too old, too unfit and too positionally inept to win a world cup as Center backs.

Their Understudies are King and Upson, who are repsectively too unfit and had an absolute stinker of a season.

The first choice Fullbacks are good, Cole and Johnson. Beyond that we are in trouble.

We have far too many wide midfielders that are runners not players.

Lampard and Gerrard can't play together, but we have nobody else good enough to play with them individually. Also, Lampard is shit with a dead ball, but insists that he takes everything.

Rooney looks dead on his feet, so should be rested for the group games and Defoe and Crouch trusted to get the job done so he is fresh for the last 16. Won't happen though.

Key Player: Rooney.

Player to watch: John Terry's comedy defensive positioning? oh ok then, at a press Joe Cole might turn out to be a World Cup star. God help us if he writes a book off the back of it.

SLOVENIA:

Impenetrable Balkans.

Mostly known in the UK for not being Serbia.

However, they beat the Russians to grab a qualifying place after finishing to easily mistakable Slovakia in their group.

Slovenia is next to Hungary and Italy, and is part of the EU. Wikipedia turns up no interesting facts about Slovenia at all.

Key/recognizable/one to watch player: er, Captain Robert Koren of West Brom. There are no others.

THE YOONITED STATES OF AMERICA! YAY!! GO USA

They call it Soccer.

76th most popular sport in the US behind American Football, Basketball, Baseball, Golf, Water Polo and Lacrosse.

Key Players: Landon Donovan who is best known to the Tabloids for being beastly about Becks at LA Galaxy, and Clint Dempsey are both more than OK.

Ones to watch: It's not just Maids, Gardeners and cheap labour that the Americans import from Mexico, there are some halfway decent 'naturalised American' Mexicans in their Footall team as well. Jose Torres is a minature midfielder, and Hercules Gomez plays up front. Other than that, try and work out what business Johnathan Spector has playing International Football.

GROUP D

AUSTRALIA

Set up for a possible 'Ashes' style head to head with Ingerlund in the round of 16, Australians mostly ignore 'Soccer' unless they are Greek. (The Australia v Greece game a few years ago attracted 65,000 fans to the MCG)

Most of their players do or have played in the English leagues either in the Premiership or Fizzy Drink Championship, so can't be discounted. Also easy to support against the Germans by the average Ingelund fan.

Key Players: Tim Cahill and Mark Schwarzer, again more than acceptable players

One to watch As you'll recognize at least the names of most of their players, I'm going for Vince Grella.

GERMANY

The Old Enemy.

The one we all want to beat.

Unfortunately for fans of fair play and decency, 4 of their key players have been ruled out already (Ballack, Adler, Traesch and Westermann), and they weren't the Power that they where even before that setback.

Will depend very much on keeping their remaining established players fit, and who they manage to find to take with them.

Key Players: Bayern Munich pair Klose and Gomez up front, and vetran Schweinsteiger in the middle. Captain Lahm in defence.

One to Watch: Tasci of Stuttgart.

GHANA

African Middleweights with great background in Olympic Football (under 22) that they haven't converted into success at full International level.

Most players playing in Europe, with a strong Italian Serie A bias in the midfield.

Key Players: Asamoah Gyan of Rennes was top scorer in qualifying. Sulley Muntari of Inter and Stephen Appiah of Bologna experienced midfield generals who also know where the goal is.

One to watch: AC Milan prospect Dominic Adiyiah

SERBIA

Coached by Raddy Antic, another former Yugoslavian side, that has a decent set of players mostly based overseas in the big European leagues, with a hefty dose of Ultra Nationalism and some monkey chants thrown in by the fans.

A top 20 FIFA ranking and beating France into second place in qualifying suggest that it might not be just a cameo for these boys, reinforced by the number of Champions League players they will bring. Could be dark horses for a Quarter Final.

Key Players Jovanvic was top scorer in Qualifying, other than that Stankovic, Ivanovic and Vidic are the most recognisable names to us in the UK.

One to watch: Radovan Petrovic of Partizan could be interesting, and is one of the few home based players. he's 21 and has 6 caps, so must be doing something ok in that sort of company.

GROUP E

CAMEROON

The Indomitable Lions.

Perhaps the most successful African team in the World Cup, they reached the quarter finals in 1990, who could forget Roger Milla dancing around the corner flag?

Unfortunately Roger Milla can't forget his past either, and has spent most of the intervening 20 years reminding the rest of the Nation's footballers that they aren't as good as him.

And mostly he's been right, more notable in the past three World Cup's for their Puma kits that have been sleeveless and one piece at various times, they haven't made it past the group stage.

However, this year sees them field one of the World's best strikers in Samuel Eto'o along with a host of young European based hopefuls mixed with a few old hands to keep the youngsters in check.

Should progress along with the Dutch.

Key Players Eto'o is the man. If he decides to play after Milla savaged him in the local press again.

Ones to watch Another team with a good bit of Arsenal/Tottenham interest (who would have thought it eh? Arsene and Harry both liking a Franco-phone African.......) with Tottenham pair Assou Ekotto and Basong in defence, and Arsenal's much improved Alex Song in the middle. Also look out for Pierre Webbo of Real Mallorca and Achille Emana of Real Betis.

DENMARK

A respectable but aging squad with most of it's star players in their 30's, Denmark failed to qualify for the last World Cup or European Championships but are here after topping their group with a win over Sweden.

Despite being relatively elderly, they still seem to know where the goal is, beating the USA 3-1 in November last year, and Senegal 2-0 last month. However they did also lose to Austria in that period.

Will be hoping that Roger Milla gets as much screen time and press as possible in the next fortnight.

Key Players: Hopefully the creaking old bones of Jon Dahl Tommason, Martin Jorgensen and Dennis Rohmedahl are still up for the battle, and that Daniel Agger and Nikolas Bendtner are better for their National side than their clubs.

One to watch: With only 4 players under 25 in the squad it's difficult to pick a young hopeful who will make a splash.

NETHERLANDS

The most shocking thing about the Dutch recently is that they seem to have stopped fighting amongst themselves, although you can always rely on Wesley Sneijder to liven things up should it all become a little too amicable for the excitable Cloggies.

They have a great team, but like the Spaniards they also seem able to clutch defeat from the jaws of certain victory.

Regulars in the semi's and quarter finals of the European Championships, they have struggled with the World Cup since the Glory days of the seventies and Cruyff's Total Football.

Need to win their group to avoid Italy in the group of 16, and should manage that at least.

Key players: Like Argentina, almost an embarrassment of riches, but not quite as much as the sum of the parts at the moment. Van Persie, Robben, Huntleear and Van der Vart need to be at their best.

One to watch: Wesley Sneijder is always favourite to liven things up.

JAPAN

Mostly home based in the massively funded and quite impressive J-league. Their best players have the sort of profile in Japan that David and Mrs Beckham can only dream about, mobbed by obsessive fans everywhere and generally treated like....well like everybody else who has obtained semi deity levels of fame in Japan.

In reality the team is the powerhouse of Asian football, and has been invited twice to compete in the Copa America. Was the first team to qualify for the Finals, and have a decent chance of progressing here for the second time in their history.

They have also recently adopted the marvelous nickname 'Samurai Blue'

Key Players: Shunsuke Nakamura is their top scorer, Yuji Nakazawa is also a big name with over 100 caps and a lot of goals for a defender.

One to watch: Yuji Nakazawa 24 year old Shimizu S-Pulse forward who has scored 16 goals in 27 appearances. VZi football Tour vetrans will also be keeping an eye out for former St Ettienne player Daisuke Matsui, he comes from Tokyo, his name's a Radio!!

GROUP F

ITALY

Marchello Lippi's Serie-A representative Eleven contains only one player who plays outside of the Italian League, and are current World Champions following their 4th win in 2006.

Might at a push be accused of being a little past their best, and lightweight up front, but when you win everything one-nil then how many strikers do they need? will be highly organised, cynical and a bit dull.

Key Players: Depressingly, for everybody else, the first eleven is pretty awesome. Buffon, Cannavaro, Zambrotta, Chiellni, Gattusso, Pirlo, Camoranesi, Gillardini.......

Ones to watch Roma's Daniele De Rossi is a bit handy.

PARAGUAY

A decent record in the last three World Cup's where they have progressed from their group 2 out of 3 times, and beat Argentina in the qualifying group, so not too shabby.

Most of the squad is South America based, with a few playing in the more desirable climates of Northern England with Wigan, Sunderland and Manchester City. Exotic.

Key Players Nah, you've got me with this one. I'm going Tabloid and just listing the ones that play in the Premiership. Paolo de Silva (Sunderland) Christian Riveros (Sunderland) and Roque Santa Cruz (Man City) also coincidently are the top scorers and amongst the most capped, so probably not far off the truth. There is also young Wigan player Antolin Alcaraz, but he only has 4 caps.

One to watch: You are kidding me aren't you? OK, Valdez of Borussia Dortmund and Cardozo of Benfica are both decent strikers.

NEW ZEALAND

The imaginatively named All Whites go to their second World Cup finals mostly because FIFA moved Australia into the Asian Qualifying group leaving the Kiwis to battle the might of Vanuatu and New Caledonia as well as the powerhouse that is Fiji in their group, before playing off with Bahrain. In effect, a bye.

Overshadowed at home by Rugby of both codes, Cricket, sheep bothering and pretending to be in the 1950's as popular pastimes, the squad is mostly unknown to anyone who isn't a diehard Kiwi football fan. (Doug, Dave, Kevin from the pub, Big Doug, and that bloke with the dog from Wellington).

Players you might have heard of: er, Ryan Nelsen of Blackburn Rovers is the Captain of his national side.....Tractor Boy might be able to tell you something interesting about Tommy Smith, apart from him having a proper footballers name.

SLOVAKIA

Easily confused with Slovenia for us Brits.

Although being another Balkan State, they'd probably lynch you for saying that.

Many German based players, along with a wide selection of players plying their trade across Europe, not many big names, but some very handy players that will give Paraguay a game for the second spot.

This will be their first World Cup that they have qualified for after independence.

Key players: Robert Vittek of Lille is the top scorer, Martin Skertl of Liverpool and Marek Cech of West Brom are both decent enough players

One to watch Miroslav Stoch is supposed to be very useful. He's been at Chelsea for 2 years and has yet to start a Premiership game, but at 20 years old he has time. ten appearances and one goal for his National team.

GROUP G

(It's traditional to have a 'group of death'. In 2010 this is probably it.)

BRAZIL

Football's Harlem Globetrotters.

The team that has launched a thousand over opinionated Students standing in pubs wearing their replica shirts and talking too loudly about players that they never saw play and 'Samba Football'. or some such bollocks.

Also probably still the bookies favorite to win the thing again, despite not being the strongest Brazil squad ever.

Mostly made up of players with just one name, think Pele, Socrates, Zico, Dunga (who is the manager this year) and that buck toothed fella who used to be good.

Key Players: Daniel Alves, Kaka, Juliho Baptista, Kleberson and Captain Lucio.

One to watch: Nilmar of Villa Real.

IVORY COAST

Didier Drogba and friends.

African Heavyweights with a raft of Superstar players from the big European Leagues, and the odd passport with a hard to believe age on it.

As usual, Arsenal will be well represented within the Franco-phone side, as well as Chelsea, Seville, Barca and the top French sides.

Key Player er, Didier Drogba.

Players to watch Various Toure's (Kolo from Man City and Yaya of Barca) Eboue of Arse, Zokora of Seville, Kalou of Chelsea and keep an eye out for Gervinho of Lille and Dutch Champion's FC Twente's Chiek Tiote.

PORTUGAL

They have Christiano Ronaldo in the same way that Cote de Ivoire has Drogba.

Chelsea-centric defence from the Special One's days play behind a mostly Spanish based team. struggled in qualification and another side that has always struggled to live up to the quality of the individuals involved. Also struggling still to get over the shadow of the Luis Figo figureheaded 'Golden Generation'.

key player: Ronaldo. simple as. If the rentboy looking Galactico performs, then they will do ok.

Other key players: Ricardo Carvalho, Paulo Ferreira and Deco of Chelsea, Nani from the Red Mancs, Tiago and Simao of Athletico Madrid.

NORTH KOREA

To be honest, you have as much of a clue as me.

Qualified top of their group on goal difference from Saudi Arabia.

All home based apart from a single Japan based player and Captain and top scorer Hong Yong-Jo who plays for Rostov in Russia.

Key Player: Kim Jong Il.

GROUP H

CHILE

Finished second to Brazil in the murderous South American qualifying group, so a bit tasty.

No real superstars that the Europeans would recognize, but seem to like a tear-up having been banned from the 1990 and 1994 events due to a qualifying scandal were the goalkeeper pretended to have been hit by a firework thrown by a Brazilian fan, and the team refused to come back out due to the 'danger'. Then banned 7 of their own players in 1997 due to bad behaviour at the Copa America....so should add some colour to proceedings.

Key player: Humberto Suazo of Montherey is their top scorer

One to watch: Alexis Sánchez of Udinese has scored 11 in 28 appearances, and is 20 years old.

HONDURAS

Last of the 3 Concaf region qualifiers, having finished behind TEAM USA! and Mexico.

Mostly home based players, but another team with an odd Wigan contingent and the essential Tottenham player.

Key Players: Captain Amado Guevara has 133 caps and is a goal scoring midfielder. Top scorer Carlos Pavón has 57 international goals to his name in 98 games. Wilson Palacios of Tottenham is a very good player.

Wigan players: Maynor Figueroa and Hendry Thomas

SPAIN

Should win it, but probably won't.

You know all their players, Liverpool's Keeper Reina and Striker Torres, and Arsenal's Fabregas along with the cream of Barcelona and Real Madrid and the star players of a few other Primera League teams.

Yet again, Spain should be amongst the favourites, but in the past they have always managed to find a way not to make it not quite work out, although they made the Quarter Finals in '86 '94 and '02 and won the last European Championships. Have lost one game since June '09, being beaten 2-0 by the yooessaye.

Key Players: Casillas, Pique, Puyol, Ramos, Arbeloa, Iniesta, Hernandez, Fabregas, Alonso, Silva, Villa, Torres.

One to watch: There's no point, you know them all already.

Everybody else hopes.... er, Torres isn't fit and Fabregas is too busy worrying about his move to Barcelona?

SWITZERLAND

Ottmar Hitzfeld has done well with this lot.

Won their group comfortably, and will be keen to make the group of 16.

Also fond of Cuckoo Clocks and Toblerone as well as questionable Football Club names.

Key Players: Hakan Yakin scored all 3 Swiss goals in Euro '08. Alexander Frei is the top scorer with 40 goals in 73 games.

Watch out for: Valon Bherami looking forward to a big payday with his new club, and maybe not stinking the World Cup out like he did Upton Park this season. Arsenal's Phillipe Senderos is also in the side.

I'll be right back....

2009-11-09T11:59:00.002Z

I went out a few months ago to buy some beers, seems that i must have been distracted or something.

Was it really that long ago that I last posted?

Douglas Verdun Rivett - A Tribute

2009-06-04T15:26:00.002+01:00

At around 4.30pm yesterday, my paternal Grandfather passed away.

He was 92 years old, was failing slowly in all manner of ways, and much to his disgust was reduced to reliance on others for his most basic needs in a nursing home.

This isn't therefore a treatise on how sad his passing, but a reflection on the happiness that he brought to myself and my siblings.

Doug's rather unusual middle name was due to the nature of his own conception, or at least the ability of his own Father to be there to conceive. The story as I understand it is that Doug's father had been at the Battle of Verdun in the Great War, and had his life saved by a Captain Douglas.

For as long as I can remember Douglas and my Grandmother Pamela lived in a cottage facing Hainault Common in Chigwell Row. Doug worked for Tate and Lyle in their factory on the Royal Docks, and supported West Ham. He loved Motorcycles, and small yappy Pekingese dogs, of which they owned several. The house was small, had a door at the foot of the stairs, decorative plates on a small shelf around the top of the walls and a downstairs bathroom that held a large tub of brylcreme.

When we visited, we would walk the dogs on the common, sit in their beautifully and carefully kept Garden, and hunted the shed at the bottom for the model aeroplanes that where kept within. Ploughman's was often the lunch of choice with fiercely mature Cheddar Cheese and mouth drying home made pickled onions.

He retired the year that my Brother and Sister where born, and I really don't remember him as anything but a slightly gruff man of strong beliefs and convictions, who had married young and had remained devoted to my Grandmother until her sudden and unexpected death. Since then, he has struck me as a desperately lonely man whom had lost his raison d'etre.

The Cottage went, and he moved to Gerrards Cross where his bond with my younger sister Vanessa grew and grew. They would do the crosswords and the lottery together, and she chivvied him about his drinking and his health. she visited him every day, and was tearfull when I spoke to her about him being in the nursing home last weekend, she hated that he was so unhappy.

Now he is no longer unhappy, who knows maybe his spirit is back with his beloved Pam and their friends who have passed over the years.

I loved him very much, and I know that there are many other people out there whose lives where touched by the cheery old gent with the ridiculous dogs. I will miss him of course, but am glad that he's been released from the things that made his life sad.

Self Indulgent as this might seem, I wanted to write it for myself, so that I could remember the good times. I have no care for your opinion.

Bang Bang, I shot it down.....

2009-05-17T18:26:00.003+01:00

This weekend I went to a Clay Shoot. first time that I've done it in quite a while, and it was bloody freezing, as one would expect of May in the South West.

I'm not at all used to this clay pidgeon shooting game, and lets be honest I'm not all that au-fait with shotguns generally, at least not the ones with the barrels still intact.

I wasn't really expecting to enjoy it quite as much as I did. I had a go at the Black Powder muzzel loader, it was loud as you like but had a really nice smooth kick due to the slow burning black powder. Still couldn't hit a bastard thing with the thing, and then there is the loading process. Quite amusing on a field in Devon, probably bloody terrifying if you have 500 Zulus waving spears as you try and ram down the wadding with the rod. I also took the remaining 9 shots of the Small's round with a nice little 20 bore, as he didn't like the kick. Scoring 4 hits made me remember that I quite like this shooting business.

The big issue at hand though, was a quick test shot or two of Ing. Berretta's new toy. It's damn clever, has a side loading second cartridge, and is designed by Guigario, the man who drew the Maserati Ghilibi. I want one quite a lot. WANT!!!!!!!

Test Match Special.

2009-05-17T15:45:00.002+01:00

If you where a BNP nutbar on the lookout for the absolute undiluted essence of Britishness with which to create a yardstick of what we are all about without their idiotic recourse to examination of your skin colour and the place you accidentally got born, then they could do worse than turn on Radio 4.

Radio 4 is of course marvelous in it's own right, the only intelligent approach to news reporting still available to us Englishmen, and home to such institutions as "Mornington Cresent" and "I'm sorry, I haven't a Clue", and the masterful "Just a Minute", but TMS is the Jewel in the Crown.

Today I was listening to the fourth day of the second test between England and the West Indies, the Windies are trying to avoid the follow on, but the chaps on TMS have decided that the best thing to do at this stage is develop a conversation on the distribution, range and call of the Common Oyster Catcher. They may have heard one earlier, or at least the mention of one, which might actually have been an anecdote about Ian Botham's Father playing cards at Oyston in Jamaica.

Genius.

My Thoughts on MP's expenses.

2009-05-17T15:37:00.002+01:00

Tiddly om pom pom.....

Oh yes, MP's expenses he exclaimed.

It's all quite dull isn't it? though really?

Yes yes, the majority of people are all getting rather aerated about the whole thingummy, but is it really that interesting?

Of course, finding out whom has a moat at home, whose husband likes poor quality soft porno, and whose Gardener gets bonuses that would make a City Gent blush is all very well, but it's all rather sordid isn't it? The Daily Telegraph have been through the metaphorical bins, and come up with, well, a load of old rubbish really.

If you are really concerned about waste of Public Money then honestly, Private Eye has been publishing the most disgraceful abuses for quite literally years, and whats a few thousand spent on a vibrating reclining lounge chair when we are about to shell out Billions of pounds on a Missile system that is of absolutely no use to us whatsoever.

So in all honesty, I've tried to be bothered, but there is some particularly stubborn Honey at the bottom of this pot, and I am sure it would be better in my tum, and anyway Test Match Special is on the wireless.

First in a new very occasional series.....2-bob cooks.

2009-04-15T12:26:00.002+01:00

Chunky Chili

This is not a recipe in the accepted 'Delia Smith' sense of the word, more a discussion of what you could sling together to make a decent Chili. I use soya protein substitutes for meat, partly because of the health benefits of low fat content, the fact that I can't eat meat anyway without getting the raging squits, and the risk involved with consuming anything that used to have a face that has been factory farmed and processed on an Industrial basis. Please feel free to apply your own sensibility or risk tolerance to the 'meat' aspect of the list, and don't come crying to me if that cheap processed meat product eventually kills you.

This is also not meant to be a gourmet 'best possible' Chili, it's just easy to make and bloody tasty.

To make: LOTS.

3 Onions
Large pack of Mushrooms
3 Chillies. Use your discretion as to what you use, I use 3 regular supermarket Chillies, i think it gives a nice balance of flavour to heat. The headbangers will use scotch bonnet and pretend to like it, wooftahs can use less. Chop them fairly fine. for less heat remove the seeds. If you wear contact lenses make sure you either wear gloves to do this, or wash your hands LOTS before taking the lenses out tonight. Stand on me.)
1/2 clove of Garlic, chopped fairly fine.
4 teaspoons of vegetable stock powder - marigold is clearly the best.
4 teaspoons of Bisto Onion Gravy granules. (shit I know, but they do a job.)
1 teaspoon Chili Powder
1 teaspoon smoked Paprika powder
2 teaspoons Jerk Seasoning/Cajun seasoning (you can make your own if you are a ponce)
Sprinkle of mixed herbs, fresh Coriander by the handful, or whatever else you fancy
Splosh of Mushroom Ketchup, Tabasco and Soy sauce to taste.
1 can Kidney Beans
1 can Black Eye Beans
1 can Pinto beans
2 cans chopped tomatoes
2 packs of Asda 'beef style meatballs'

1 big pan (approx 5 litres or more)
1 large frying pan
1 litre jug

Cheddar
Spring Onion
Soured cream (small pot)
Chillies

Firstly chop the onions and fry them off in the big pan, chop the mushrooms and add them once the onions start to brown a little, turn down the heat and put a lid on the pan to boil down the mushroom juices. this should take around 10-15 minutes.

Whilst that's happening you'll need to stir the onions and mushrooms fairly regularly, so make the stock by the stove so you can keep an eye.

Put the stock powder, gravy granules, chili powder, Paprika, Seasoning, herbs and sauces into a jug and add about a Litre of water.

Turn the heat back up under the pan, and reduce the mushroom and onion juices until you can fry off the Garlic and Chillies in it.

Add the Tomatoes, Beans and Stock to the pan and simmer gently for a good while.

In the meantime, fry the 'meatballs' in a heavy frying pan until golden brown, and season heavily with salt and pepper.

finally, about 20 minutes before you want to serve, add the meatballs to the Chili, and continue to simmer.

This pot will improve overnight and is happy to be he-heated later, the longer you leave it the better it gets. It also freezes well.

Serve with some grated cheddar, soured cream, chopped spring onions and chopped chili as garnish.

Today's thoughts.

2009-04-15T12:20:00.002+01:00

Must do more blog stuff.....

Must get my act together for Big Bang at Santa Pod next weekend.....

Must try hard not to be over cynical about the media's hype of the 25 Aniversary of Hillsborough.

Must try hard not to be over cynical about sudden appearance of photographic 'evidence'

Must try hard not to be over cynical about the claims made for new improved Bold Automatic.

Must go and clean out the 'Shed of huge disorganisation' as I promised the Doris.

Must get off my arse and get read to go racing this summer, as sitting at home whilst my mates where out at the Pod last weekend was bloody horrible.

Must not write any more sentences that start with 'must.....'

The Guardian Guide - slightly biased review....

2009-04-02T15:24:00.002+01:00

'The Guide' is part of the Guardian's Saturday package, a combination of editorial and listings that resembles a pared down 'Time Out'.

Now, I have to declare an interest here. I like the Guardian, despite it's not very good Sports coverage and it's willfully Northern outlook, I can get past the slightly wet Liberalism and sometimes unrealistic worldview to find something good to read.

And I usually love 'The Guide'.

So why so vexxed young master 2-bob?

Well, allow me to tell you.

In the last few weeks, there has been less of the good stuff, no Charlie Brooker, and far too much of the odious little scrote who is Pete Cashmore.

Pete who? You may well ask, well a P.Cashmore used to be employed by 'Nuts' magazine, and I believe ran the 'Nuts' website. This is interesting because as far as i can see the sole purpose of the magazine's website is to solicit vulnerable young ladies with self esteem issues into posting pictures of themselves with as few clothes on as possible, on the premise that this may get them a modeling contract with the magazine, for the pleasure of the social inadequates who inhabit the site. Quite how this fits with the oft trumpeted values of The Guardian I'm not sure.

Two things I do know for sure though, are that our Pete doesn't really like anyone questioning his authority, when I asked quite reasonably if he thought that the website was appropriate and whether he thought it exploitative, he banned me from the site. The other thing is that Cashmore is nowhere near as funny as he seems to think he is, in fact I've had funnier rectal prolapses than that.

So there we have it, formerly well written and amusing magazine now unfortunately in the thrall of one of a man entirely deluded about his comic abilities, whose Ego rules his word processor, and who it seems to me is far more suited to his former life of pimping delusional young women to the internet's dregs.

Good Stuff we are liking....

2009-04-01T12:23:00.002+01:00

Motorsickle.com 'No smoke without Tyre' T-shirt, modelled by the lovely Spannerboy.

Financial Fools Day

2009-04-01T12:00:00.002+01:00

Lets be honest, this is equally as rubbish.

Nobody worth talking to is going to have their minds changed about the validity of the modern Capitalist society and the Global Banking System based on a few thousand people who clearly haven't anything better to do getting dressed up as members of Neds Atomic Dustbin and hanging around London for the day.

We are not going to see a seismic shift in public opinion just because some rent-a-mob bunch of trust fund Anarchists hand a banner off the side of a building quite near County Hall.

The only manner in which we will achieve a better balanced and fairer world is when the people of this Country and others re-engage with Political Activisim within the framework of democracy that we have. We need people who have a grasp of the issues that address real people, and the will to act on the basis of what is right rather than on the basis of Party Political Dogma. The Politics of the Right or the Left will not solve the problems that the western world faces at the moment, it's fresh new thinking that is required, people who are able to think outside the vested interests of their Fiscal supporters.

PMQ's are on, and it's too depressing to think any more about politics.

April Fools day

2009-04-01T11:56:00.002+01:00

No.

I'm not doing an 'April Fools' gag.

Because the last recored one that was actually funny was published in the 1903 Frimley Times and Argus, relating to a specially developed pair of coal fired bloomers worn by Mrs Amberley Mabblethrupp whilst enjoying a perambulation from the Post Office to Mr Jackson Dornier's Fruit and Vegetable emporium and self service Shop.

Fuck 'em.

Saturday Afternoon Wrestling.

2009-04-01T11:05:00.003+01:00

No, not that American nonsense, the real deal. Kendo Nagasaki, Giant Haystacks, Big Daddy, Johnny Saint....those where the days my friend.

From the opening theme tune, to Dicky Davies announcing that we where going live to some hall in Preston, to watching the little old ladies going mental in the front row and Pat 'Bomber' Roach did something naughty again, it was manna from Heaven for the 10 year old 2-Bob.

The WWF (later getting it's lilly ass kicked by the World Wildlife Fund into changing it's name, how hard is that? duffed up in the Courts by a Panda and his mates?) was never the same, too showbiz, too much Lycra and Steroids, too much poodle hair and production values. It didn't look anything like as real. Hulk Hogan now has his own reality show on MTV the gently balding peroxide loving pooftah. I bet Mark 'Rollerball' Rocco is lifting hods still somewhere outside Dunstable, thats real geezer.

Anyway, British wrestling was Great. Shirley Crabtree I salute you.

The History of Rotten Racing.

2009-04-01T10:50:00.005+01:00

This Month's VW Ultra has a cover story on 'Herbielizer', my Drag Racing VW Beetle.

As it's now in print, i guess it won't harm to share with you the story as i told it to Keith Seume of VW Ultra

On the 12th of May 2007 I was more worried about my Football Club being relegated than about Drag Racing, My Blue '63 that had been brought as a rolling shell from Max of the Greenhearts was mostly finished, including a 2165 (78x94mm) Motor breathing through 48mm Jenvey IDF pattern throttle bodies talking to an Omex ECU and running a lumpy FK89 cam that the Fuel Injection made more tollerable for the Street. It was my dream car, the big Engined classic Cal-Looker, one piece windows, T-Bars and Centreline 'Big-Rivet' Wheels.

On the Afternoon of the 13th of May, West Ham had beaten Manchester United, I'd been at the Champagne, and Brian Burrows was on the telephone from France talking about the Two Turbo cars he was bringing in from the States, one for himself and one to sell to another racer to boost the number of quick cars in the VWDRC Pro ranks. Whether by a mixture of elation and inebriation or just a complete lack of common sense, by the end of the conversation I had agreed to go up to Tewkesbury to see the cars, and had as good as commited to buying one of them.

Brian had sent both cars to Raceshack to have a few small jobs done, and more importantly to get their jetting sorted out for UK conditions, with less heat, humidity and Altitude than their US homes. By the time I got there Brian had selected the car that he thought had the most in it, and I saw a white '58 with a standard steel body and all it's trim retained, but for an Aluminium Jammar front beam and a missing deck lid. Around back sat a big ass Turbo that had a Holley carb hung off the back of it with a Carbon Manifold, and that dominated the engine bay. We had a chat about the price, Brian showed me all the bills that proved that i was paying only what he had spent, and as I had just two passes in my '63 under my belt at that time, Brian wanted to run some shakedown runs in the car before handing it to a novice, so we agreed that Bug Jam would be the handover day.

In the meantime i had decided that Claire Williams would be driving the Blue '63 without it's Nitrous system in the Sportsman Class as as well, so we turned up at Santa Pod with two cars, and no forward planning...more of that later. I had planned a few gentle runs to get myself used to the car, but after two passes I decided that it was running so nice that I wanted to open it up a little. Danny Allen agreed to coach me on the startline, and with his help i peeled off an 11.4 second pass at 118mph. Since that day we've never topped that run, mostly because it was a touch of beginners luck and I've never been that quick off the line since, and partly because of the myriad of small mechanical problems that have dogged me since.

On that Quick run, the car threw it's crank pulley out the back as i came through the finish line lights, thankfully missing people and other vital engine parts, to this day it still sports a small black mark on the MSD distributor body as evidence of that cheap ally pulley's bid for freedom. Being dumb i fitted another aluminium pulley for VW Action in September, and this time we noticed the crack in the webs before putting the car out, another disapointing day at the track foiled by inadequate components. There was much more of those sorts of thing to come, but a more pressing matter came to light, I really hadn't thought it out how i was going to get two race cars home from the Pod, and more to the point where I was going to keep the new one.

The VWDRC came up trumps with Team Filth sorting me right out, Andrew running about to find help, Abi (Sambasaurus) Teather phoning her mum to free up some gagarge space at her house, and the ever helpfull Rob Judge (later to be Crew Chief) of RNJ Motorsport driving home to fetch his trailer to drag it there. They are still far better organised than me, I'm lucky to have great people around me that help us out all the time and keep us racing.

In 2008 we where looking forward to Big Bang as the first meeting of the season that we could make, but it didn't go well. The car seemed to be slipping it's clutch, and more experienced onlookers noticing that it seemed to have a slight missfire and was 'flaming' from the exhaust on shifts. Along with yet another pulley going west, I decided to park the car as it was blowing more oil than i liked. People from the VWDRC wanted to get the engine out and help fix it, Shane Rae even trying to convince Claire to take me off to party whilst they made a start so I couldn't say no, but I stood my ground, helped by a dose of man flu giving me the hump, and we trailered the car back to RNJ Motorsport.

When Rob opened the Engine up it has sheered all the dowel pegs and destroyed the mating surfaces of Crank and Flywheel, and was dangling the Flywheel by a single turn of the Gland Nut. we believe that it was due to vibrations from the rear main bearing that had also contributed earlier to the pulley issue, but I still dread to think what could have happened if the flywheel had come off at the top end turning 7500 revs.... During the rebuild we brought in a Gene Berg pulley to finally put an end to that problem, even though it's four times the price of some other 'quality' manufacturers parts, and fitted a new clutch and preasure plate due to oil contamination.

The new Black Magic disc certainly made a difference.... Bug Jam 2008 saw a return to the track, and some crazy issues with traction. We had too much of it and every launch sent the nose reaching for the clouds. This scared the hell out of me, and ruined my ET's for the day, but we pushed the terminals on to 125mph, so there was clearly a major improvement in the car from that point of view, if only the driver could get his act together.

Bracket racing is cruel to those whose technique isn't perfect, and with a wildly varying ET I still am nowhere near consistent results in the VWDRC, unless consistently bad counts, but i am loving every minute. The car's history closed for the moment with a loss of oil preasure at the top of the strip at VW Action 2008, I hadn't noticed that the oil return line to the filter had crimped, so much for the American 'very expensive' braided hoses. By this time i had been made redundant and funds have not been there to get the car prepared for 2009. The lesson of all this i guess is, Drag racing can be a cheap weekend's fun if you know your limits, but chasing the dream (mine is a 10 second floorpan car with a back seat) is expensive, and what you would call near anal maintainance levels for a street car isn't nearly enough for a VW motor churning out 340bhp plus. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

It looks like I may get to go racing in 2009 as a few people have shown an interest in sponsoring the team, but it's not a done deal yet. I must thank Rob and Polly at RNJ Motorsport for all their help and support, Abi and Andrew and the rest of team filth for being great people, and John Johnstone at Big Digital (www.big-digital.co.uk ) for his financial support and friendship. We couldn't have done it without you guys. Finally to Claire for being amazing and to Mike Knight for being an all around good egg.

See you all at the track!

So there you have it, nearly the whole story of a boy and his Volkswagen. One Love.

Blimey it's been almost a month!

2009-04-01T10:47:00.002+01:00

Bloody Rubbish, I have had loads of things that I've wanted to share with you all, and have been either too busy or just too bloody hacked off with life to be bothered with typing them up.

Today, however, we are looking at a new begining. The dawn of a new age of blogging from 2-bob, a few promos for some mates, and a bit of light entertainment.

Sit back and enjoy the show.

Anatomy of a Steven Segal film...

2009-03-06T12:56:00.002Z

I was watching a bit of 'The divine pony-tail's' Cinematic output last night. 'Out for a Kill' it was called, and obviously our Steve has seen 'The Matrix' and 'Crouching Dragon Hidden Tiger' since he made the films that I liked, like 'Nico' and 'Under Siege'. The suspended wire work with the Chinese Actors was hilarious, but not in the good way, and the 'bullet time' slow motion for the death of his best friend's daughter would have had the Warchowski Brothers in stitches.

The Plot lines for Steven's movies have always been pretty simple, Baddies do bad things, Steven gets upset and extracts revenge with mad skillz at Martial Arts, and stylised use of Firearms. Lately he's taken to adding 'buddy' sub plots, usually employing obscure Rappers who want to get into movies, complete with cloying attempts at being a 'homie', and of course there will always be the aspiring actress 'love interest' and tits oot shots.

It occurred to me that I could write my own Steven Segal movie...

Establishing Shots:- We reveal the nefarious acts of the baddies, which will later be the reason for them crossing swords with Steven, and for some form of violent revenge...They will be Eastern European/Mafiosi/Chinese Tongs/Yardies/Yakuza.

Mr Segal:- Steven will be playing an Italian American Cop/Cajun Cook/Native American mulatto with a secret background as a Navy Seal/Special Forces Operative/CIA agent/Mercenary killer. He has just married an aspiring young actress who won't make it past reel 2. He has travelled to Honduras/Nicaragua/Eastern Europe/China with his Niece/Daughter/Best Friend's Daughter for reasons that are flimsy at best.

Steven's Daughter/Niece/Best Friend's Daughter is Kidnapped/Murdered and el Segal swears revenge.

The Ponytail starts to bust some ass, and the baddies get real mad.

Steven Contacts his former CIA Handler/Navy Seals buddy to bring more guns, and busts open the whole bent cops/secret Government cabal thing that means that now the Police/FBI/Army are after him as well now.

Steve's Missus is getting the Good News after showing 'My Little Ninja' her boobies. Baddies turn up and Steve kills them all, but not before his missus gets shot/blown up adding to his general sense of grievance and need to kick some ass BAD!

El Segal gets into some Mystic mumbo jumbo, in post 2002 films this will include some mystic vision action, and teaching his Homie that Chinese Mysticism isn't just bollocks by curing his genital warts with a dose of powdered Yak Cock.

The Black Best /famous rapper gets shot, leaving Segal to drive straight to the baddies HQ, and lay down some bad ass beat down on the Bossman's head henchman, kill the Boss and bust up the whole Drugs ring/Corrupt Government Agency/Mafia thing, and save the good looking aspiring actress who has been knocking about since the opening scene to no apparent purpose other than some light table dancing or getting her hooters out in an entirely non gratuitous fashion in the middle of the movie between fights.

Things we are liking this week.....

2009-03-06T12:41:00.002Z

Fantastic badges from 'Boyce 1964' on Ebay.

Great design fella, and lovely quality.

If you want well designed non cheesy/wannabe West Ham badges this is your man.

Carlton Cole.....

2009-03-06T12:38:00.002Z

I'm sorry, I was very wrong about you.

Well done for getting past the abuse that some West Ham fans aimed at you, and starting to fulfill the potential that people in the game always said you had.

Wednesday's Goal was a beauty.

Maybe I spoke too soon......

2009-03-06T12:27:00.002Z

Seems that Mr David Beckham won't be honouring his contract in America after all, he's managed to pressure the LA Galaxy into a 'time share' agreement with AC Milan that will see him remain with the Italian Club until the end of the season, before returning to California for the last part of their season.

Now, I can fully understand why Beckham might prefer Milan to LA, on all sorts of levels, but I doubt that will be much of a comfort to the people who paid for tickets at the Galaxy on the basis that they would be watching what the British Media insist is one of the World's greatest footballers. Seems that self interest has again spoken louder to a footballer than Loyalty and the people who paid their huge wages, the Fans.

I'm not going to say too much about Stuart Attwell's performance as Referee at Wigan on Wednesday night, if both managers agree that you had a shocker, then i think that it's a fair bet that you did. CfC scored an absolute peach of a goal, and the game was effectively ruined for Mr Attwell's insitance on playing by the letter of the law on his (admittedly) high challenge, he was watching the ball all the way, and had no idea the Wigan player was stooping for the ball....

As usual Sky Sports News are raking over the muck endlessly, but at the end of the day we got the result, and whether Lucas Neil had intention to play the ball or not there is no excusing the actions of Clattermole and a team who had no intention of playing football by that stage.

Why I shouldn't drink and blog

2009-02-25T09:41:00.002Z

As you will read below I have a fairly low opinion of certain footballers and minor Celebrities, and having read it I hope you will agree with me that three bottles of wine are in no way whatsoever beneficial to my writting style.

Lets be honest, it's rubbish.

Devoid of wit, style and anything worthy of discussion, it's an absolute embarrasment.

Pete Cashmore could do better, and thats a horrendous thing to have to admit.

So, it's staying right there as a reminder to me that I shouldn't log on to this page when I've been on the sauce.

Why I hate Frank Lampard Jr

2009-02-22T23:25:00.004Z

It's been offered up to me in the last 24 hours that maybe my dislike for Jade Goody and my respect for Sir Bobby Mooore may be somewhat parochial

Lets be fair, when Bobby Moore, Captain of England's 1966 World Cup winning squad, retired from football and was diagnosed with the cancer that killed him, he was not a celebrity, in fact he was selling anoraks out the back of his car and writing column for the Sunday Sport to pay the bills.

Lampard and that cunt Terry talk about and compare themselves to Bobby Moore all the time, but they have nothing like the respect for others and the game that the big man had.

Lets be honest, Jade Goody has had a more honest and decent release from this world than Bobby Moore was afforded, and there is only one Sky Tv responsible for that.

Fuck off Lampard, you have no respect, and Terry is laughable as an England Captain. You make me disgusted to be a football fan..

Wanted Down Under.

2009-02-21T14:50:00.002Z

Now, I am aware that maybe not all of you are self-unemployed or Dole Scum, but you really should Sky+ this little beaut if you aren't near a TV at 9.15 in the morning.

It's what the BBC think is a good use of the Licence Payers money, a show about taking some bunch of Norvern Monkeys over to 'Straylia and basically taking the piss out of how dreary and average their lives are in some shit kicking northern backwater, and showing them how marvelous things are in the former colonies.

But what really grates isn't the slackjawed astonishment of the Mechanic/Ariel fitter or Telecoms monkey that they drag out there that they might be able to afford a house with an indoor lavvy in 'Straylia, but the constant puffing of smoke up the Antipodean arse by the presenter. They are wholely unwilling to accept that there may be reasons that people who don't live in some provincial backwater might not think that Australia is Heaven on Earth, but is in fact a flyblown hell hole mostly populated by gobshite inbreds whose last good read had fabric pages.

"Ooh Here we are Surfers Paradise, yes, there are used hypodermics all over the beach, and everyone is drunk or high, but look at the lovely sea!!!"

"Yes, the Brown King snake is the worlds most venomous reptile, but apparently they shit actual diamonds!!!"

"Here in Woolabagooma the temperature hasn't dipped below 42 degrees since November, so you'll get a lovely tan."

"Look at your lovely big garden, you can have lots of those famous Aussie Barbies in that eh? and you probably won't get bitten by anything that will kill you, or eaten by the wildlife. The Neighbours are lovely boorish beer soaked Rugby League fans who are very friendly and will almost never be out of your fridge, and are almost completely house trained"

Lets be honest, Australia has no culture to speak of, is like Britain in the 1950's but without the commitment to personal hygine, and there are very good reasons that when we discovered it, we decided to use it as a Prison. Australia isn't the land of milk and honey that the tabloid readers think, it's got it's fair share of social issues, crime, poverty and other shite, it's got a climate that is so unrelenting in being too bastard hot that you'd want to kill everyone you meet for fully 5 months of the year. Yes the houses are big, because they have miles of dusty scrub to build on that is fuck all use for anything else, but you can drive for days on end without finding anything worth stopping for.

There is a very good reason that London is full of bastard Colonials, and the fuckers just won't leave.

The Drag Racing.............

2009-02-17T09:29:00.003Z

it's only 42 sleeps as they say around these parts until the VWDRC's first full on test session of the season at Santa Pod, GTi Spring Festival.

Good luck to all the racers, and I'll be posting some updates on Team Rotten's prepareations of lack thereof a little later.

Good use of the word........

2009-02-14T19:22:00.002Z

Ignominious by the Sentanta commentator in the Watford v Chelsea game, shame he couldn't pronounce it.

Chelase fans ridiculously pleased with a 1-2 lead.

West Ham get to go to the fog for a replay with Boro.

All a bit meh. really.

"Our Becks" rejoins LA Galaxy.

2009-02-14T09:20:00.003Z

After slating him earlier in the week, i find myself in the uncomfortable position of having to salute David Beckham for doing the right thing and going back to LA Galaxy as per his contract rather than throwing his toys out the pram to stay at AC Milan.

Even more admirable given that the US league is little more than glorified park football, and AC Milan are one of European football's Giants. If Sheik Mohammed decided to buy Cheltenham Town, because it's near the Geegee track, and got Martin Allen to buy Kaka to secure the League 2 title then we'd be in the same ballpark.

Well done David, it's a shit idea, but it's the honourable way to go.

Today we are liking.......

2009-02-13T11:51:00.003Z

Mont Blanc Meisterstuck Fountain Pen.

A design Icon that you can still purchase, and won't give the bank manager a heart attack.

Pull this bad boy out of your inside pocket and the person with the paperwork will know you are a serious player.

Racist Cloggie versus the Mussies.

2009-02-13T10:54:00.006Z

Nice peacefull protesters being reasonable, yesterday.

Crazy Dutch Guy

Crazy haired chubby lovechild of David Cameron and Boris Johnson, Geert Wilders has been prevented from entering the United Kingdom due to protests from Muslim groups over a film that relates passages from the Qu'ran to Global Terrorism.

Now, make me wrong on this, but i was under the impression that the terrorist acts included in his film where all commited by extremist Islamic groups, all of whom claim to be acting in accordance with their beliefs?

My contention here is that Mr Wilders should enjoy the same freedom of speech that those who wish to ban him enjoy in this country, as what he is saying is not intended to promote hatred or Violence, but to create awareness that some people are in the business of distorting Islam to justify violent actions.

Is Islam really so weak that it can tolerate no criticism or comment?

The FA Cup

2009-02-13T10:39:00.003Z

Saturday 3pm. The Bolyen Ground, Upton Park E13.

West Ham Utd v. Middlesborough.

FA Cup 5th Round.

Until our defeat in the '05/'06 Final stolen by the Scousers, West Ham had not reached an Cup final since 1980. But this year there will be no trip to the Millennium stadium, and hopefully no Steven Gerrard scoring in Injury time or nasty Francophone African treading in Marlon to keep Lucas Neil's hands off the FA Cup.

First however we must dispose of Middlesborough, a team who haven't managed a win in 13 games in the Premiership, and that we have beaten in our last two meetings in the Cup.

West Ham's only serious problem is a late fitness test on Valon Berhami, some might say the Hammer of the Season so far, but Kovac or Savio, January signings both, are ready to step in should Valon not make it.

The other fixtures are:

Swansea City v Fulham

McCabe's losers v Hull Fishy

Blackburn v The Cov

Watford v Chelsea.

Everton v Villa

Derby v the Munichs

and a weird threesome between Arsenal, Cardiff City and Burnley

Come on Watford!

House Prices: The greatest confidence trick ever perpetrated on the British Public?

2009-02-13T10:23:00.005Z

You know the drill, six months ago some chinless wonder in the pub talking loudly about how much the Equity on his house has increased in the last two years, the same chap now crying into his beer over the 'drop' in house prices.......

But here's the rub, was he ever any better off?

Yes, the price of his house on the open market has increased, so on paper his net value has gone up as well, but so has the value of other properties in similar locations in the same time period, so if he is moving house, there is no change in relative values. What has changed is the amount of money that he would have been borrowing to fund his move, and the amount of commission that the Estate Agent earns on the deal.

so unless you are liquidating your Property, are Mortgage free, have made a speculative purchase in an area that is becoming more desirable, or have renovated or significantly improved the property with the related investment of time and money, then you haven't significantly improved your position, you are simply paying more money in Interest to a bank.

So why do people do it? Why are the British unique in Europe for being so obsessed with home ownership, and why are they prepared to pay a significant chunk of their income to a Bank in return for no increase in the proportion of the property that they actually own?

Supply and demand has a significant role to play, the availability of property in the south of England is significantly below demand, but that doesn't make sense of the insane prices being paid.

I believe that whilst Estate Agency is an unregulated Industry, and Banks are allowed to offer Mortgages so far in advance of that which their clients can possibly expect to repay in their lifetime, then there is a vested interest in the artificially inflating property prices and a willing market of people who will convince themselves that they are making money on Property whilst in fact they are simply giving money to the Bankers and Estate Agents to no real benefit for themselves.

Maybe this time the downturn will inject a bit of reality into the situation, and the Government will finally move to make a more level playing field that will make areas other than the South will be desirable places to live with better working opportunities through inward investment, and will revise their thoughts on social housing to make the 'buy to let' Industry less attractive and creating a properly democratic market with options other than huge debt for the individual.

David Beckham equals Bobby Moore for England Caps.

2009-02-12T10:45:00.004Z

As the Media never tires of telling us, last night's Spain v England game marked David Beckham's 108th cap, equalling the number won by the late Bobby Moore.

But David, the number of caps is that only thing that compares you to England's greatest ever Captain. Sir Bobby won the world cup, he was compared favourably with the very best who have ever played the game, and not just by the tabloid press. He was a Gentleman and a role model, not the plaything of a deranged ex-singer and supposed multiple shagger of the hired help.

Finally, although Beckham is a very good player, he may well be remebered better for being a 'Celebrity', half of 'Posh and Becks' and will see out his twilight years in the rather tacky decadence that his wife prefers. He won't be reduced to selling anoracks from the back of his car in the Upton Park car park, or writting a column in the Daily Sport as Bobby Moore was.

We shall always remember him, no matter how shabbily the football world treated him after he stopped playing, and if you want to do the right thing by England's only World Cup winning Captain, click the link over there >>> and bung a few quid to the Bobby Moore Fund for Cancer Research.

Coffee based disapointment and musings on why Mc Breakfasts are so wrong, but so right.

2009-02-11T10:06:00.004Z

I am cussing them, I am cussing them well harsh.

Once a week (or possibly twice) I like to treat myself to the dirty wrongness of a McDonalds Breakfast, two egg and cheese (plastic cheese like processed product) Muffins, a hash brown and a large black coffee (This week with a free McMug, they are quite nice actually).

Unfortunately due to McDonalds policy of only employing the sort of people who should be supervised whilst using scissors, today i arrived home and found that despite clearly specifying that the coffee was BLACK, i have a cup of dishwater coloured shit. Milk in Coffee is wrong, simple as. It ruins it.

So why do i do this to myself?

There can be no real nutritional value to my McBrekkie of choice beyond the Scottish food group, saturated fat, and it doesn't leave you feeling fulfilled. But for reasons beyond all scientific knowledge it somehow tastes really good. I mean, it shouldn't, the ingredients are rubbish, it's badly cooked and served in a special sort of waxed paper that is both non-absorbent but at the same time not greaseproof, but I never fail to enjoy it.

Except when they get my bastard coffee wrong.

Today we are liking....

2009-02-10T13:40:00.002Z

Today we are liking....Retro Fila 'Matchday' jacket.

Available from Stuarts London.

http://www.stuartslondon.com/product/FILA%20VINTAGE-GOLD/fila%20vintage/Navy%20Matchday/

Bankers Bonus.

2009-02-10T09:09:00.005Z

Apparently Alistair Darling and Sir David Walker (ex Chairman of Morgan Stanley) will take until the end of the year to complete their review into the bonuses paid to Bankers.

Which seems a curiously long time to take to say 'You aren't getting any'.

They seem to think that there may be some 'contractual' issues with the Government, who are now major shareholders in a few of these Organisations, telling their staff that because the Company lost so much money that the Taxpayer had to bale them out they will not be receiving their Bonus. Although it may seem unfair on those staff that had nothing to do with the loss incurred, it's even less fair that many people are now without jobs and homes because of the epic nature of the banking industries failure in self regulation.

Big Phil hits the road.

2009-02-10T08:48:00.004Z

After yet another disappointing home game, Roman has decided to allow Big Phil Scolari an extended holiday.

Hardly a shocker, given the Kings Road Posh' execrable form for a team that is supposedly a nailed on member of the Big Four these days, drawing at home with Hull just isn't an option if you are looking at another Championship. But lets be fair, bringing in quimming Quaresma after he fell out with yet another manager at Inter Milan after Barcelona offloaded him for being too much trouble even for them did look a little like desperation, even if they are still saying that the Russian hasn't taken his ball home (yet).

Best of all though, the Telly is full of the mug Chelsea fans who had spray painted a protest sign on what looks very much like his mum's incontinence mattress protector, demanding that they being in the Chelsea Chmipyboy from little West Ham down the road. Bwahahaha! You have no chance mate, we are playing far better than your shambles of overpriced egoists.

Er....Why won't it let me space paragraphs?

2009-02-09T11:40:00.001Z

Sorry, that looks Rubbash.

Well, that didn't really go as well as you'd hope....

2009-02-09T10:27:00.005Z

West Ham lost to Manchester United, not really a surprise but disappointing all the same as I still feel that we have been playing good football, and if Scholes hadn't blatantly fouled Noble in the middle of the pitch, or Captain slow had held his position, then it may have gone to the draw that looked nailed on for much of the game. Fair play to Ryan Giggs, he did well to get it through a forrest of legs and into the net. He is, despite his unrepentant Mancunian ways, a model Professional who is hard to dislike and has been there seemingly forever.

Much has been made of West Ham supporters gently teasing Christiano Ronaldo about his recent driving mishap, can't say that I find it either shocking or terribly upsetting that a player who does his best to gain an advantage in any way possible, usually involving flinging himself dramatically at the floor, has been getting some abuse from the Hammers. He deserves everything he gets, the multiple step over, piss taking trick pony cheat. It's one of the great joys and strengths of football that is still available to us now standing and swaying along with mates in the terraces and having a beer at the game have been taken from us, they can't take away the natural inventiveness and quick wit of the fans.

I did try and watch Tottenham and Arsenal's attempt to bore us all to a mid afternoon nap, the only notable incidents in a full 90 minutes was a referee contriving a method of disallowing a perfectly good Arsenal goal, and the sheer stupidity of Eboue in getting himself sent off for two priceless acts of petulance. Despite being down to 10 men, Arsenal always looked the most likely despite Bungpuss's protestations of adequacy for his side.

The other notable occurrence of the weekend was Tony Adams being sacked by Portsmouth, handed a poisoned chalice by 'Arry was never going to go well especially for a man whose management experience only extended to a poor period at Wycombe Wanderers and then putting the cones out for Twitchet whilst he lined up the next purchase of a geriatric journeyman on a long contract for a few million. Curbishley is favourite to replace him for now, i think his unique brand of blandness would suit Pompey well.

And finally, the sporting event of the weekend. Whilst North London's smuggest residents plodded hopelessly around the Emirates Stadium, ESPN America aired a fantastically bad tempered encounter between The Toronto Maple Leafs and Montreal Canadiens. The biggest rivalry in Hockey ended with a 5-2 win for the Leafs, but the stats told the truth of the game with 33 penalty minutes to the Leafs and 28 to the Canadiens going into the last five minutes of the game.......But the Leafs new signing Jason Blake made the difference and was a different class.

It's a Sunday in February, so that will be 'Super Sunday!!' Gawd Bless Sky and their relentless hype.

2009-02-08T11:48:00.004Z

Yup, It's another earth shattering 'Ford Super Sunday' on Sky, with Stelling and the boys rubbing themselves into an almost mastubatory level of pure excitement at the comming festival of football.

And for once, the line-up might just about justify the hyperbole.

Obviously the fixture at the Emirates isn't quite the same as it would have been in the past when Tottenham actually provided a proper rivalry to Arsenal, rather than just a geographical one, but i can never get bored of watching 'Twitchet' going balistic over the latest mishap for his ill stared assembly of very expensive footballers. Redknapp has spent the most money of any club in the Premiership in January, more even than the comedy stylings of Mark 'kaka' Hughes at Citeh, and seems intent on reasembling Tottenham teams of the past in the hope that it might work better than having a squad that look like they met on a bus. Anyone know what Teddy Sherringham is up to? Actually, don't be ridiculous, we all know what Teddingham is likely to be up to at this time on a Sunday.

After the warm up men have done their shtick, we move on to the main event. West Ham United versus some small club from Salford. Helpfully, ESPN have been trailing the game all week on their 'classic' channel by showing the '94/'95 Season meeting in which a fantastic strike from Michael Huges earned West Ham a well deserved draw and Blackburn Rovers the Title. Marvelous.

As much as Liverpool and Chelsea have been busy snatching defeat from the jaws of victory and throwing away a 1o point cushion in the case of the scousers, The Boleyn Ground hasn't been a happy place for the Gorbells wine enthusiast and his well behaved and admirable bunch of decent young chaps. Lets hope for the sake of Football and all that is decent and good in this world that Carton Cole seals a win for the Hammers again this afternoon.

Yes, that Carlton Cole. I kid you not, an unlikely strike rate of one a game for the last half dozen Premiership games has got CFC a call up to the England squad. Ladies and Gentlemen, the world has indeed gone fucking mental.

Welcome to my world.

2009-02-07T20:50:00.004Z

This is the first time for me. I've been thinging about this for a while, but sometimes it takes a while to feel comfortable enough to actually do it.

So welcome again my old friends, hello and welcome to my new friends, and a huge shrug of indifference to those who don't fit either catagory.

What you'll find here is some postings about Drag Racing with the VWDRC (Volkswagen Drag Racing Club), some postings about VW shows, some postings about Football and some postings that appear to be nothing to do with anything else.

What you won't get is any slack, and meandering or self absorbed twitter (unless it's about Twitter, I'm undecided about it so far, is it a licence for the tedious to share their mediocrity or is it a step forward in personal communications? I think it's probably a Geeks wank-a-thon for the minute, splattered with the foul seed of Meejia sad cases who wish to appear 'cutting edge'.)

So there we go.

I have no idea at the moment how this is going to develop, I'll be learning as we go so it will change how it looks quite quickly, and probably gain features and other ways of dealing with the many Ideas that i have but have never been drawn to enough to persue.

Be Lucky (or licky, who knows)

Francois van der Elst