Anatomy of a Steven Segal film...

I was watching a bit of 'The divine pony-tail's' Cinematic output last night. 'Out for a Kill' it was called, and obviously our Steve has seen 'The Matrix' and 'Crouching Dragon Hidden Tiger' since he made the films that I liked, like 'Nico' and 'Under Siege'. The suspended wire work with the Chinese Actors was hilarious, but not in the good way, and the 'bullet time' slow motion for the death of his best friend's daughter would have had the Warchowski Brothers in stitches.

The Plot lines for Steven's movies have always been pretty simple, Baddies do bad things, Steven gets upset and extracts revenge with mad skillz at Martial Arts, and stylised use of Firearms. Lately he's taken to adding 'buddy' sub plots, usually employing obscure Rappers who want to get into movies, complete with cloying attempts at being a 'homie', and of course there will always be the aspiring actress 'love interest' and tits oot shots.

It occurred to me that I could write my own Steven Segal movie...

Establishing Shots:- We reveal the nefarious acts of the baddies, which will later be the reason for them crossing swords with Steven, and for some form of violent revenge...They will be Eastern European/Mafiosi/Chinese Tongs/Yardies/Yakuza.

Mr Segal:- Steven will be playing an Italian American Cop/Cajun Cook/Native American mulatto with a secret background as a Navy Seal/Special Forces Operative/CIA agent/Mercenary killer. He has just married an aspiring young actress who won't make it past reel 2. He has travelled to Honduras/Nicaragua/Eastern Europe/China with his Niece/Daughter/Best Friend's Daughter for reasons that are flimsy at best.

Steven's Daughter/Niece/Best Friend's Daughter is Kidnapped/Murdered and el Segal swears revenge.

The Ponytail starts to bust some ass, and the baddies get real mad.

Steven Contacts his former CIA Handler/Navy Seals buddy to bring more guns, and busts open the whole bent cops/secret Government cabal thing that means that now the Police/FBI/Army are after him as well now.

Steve's Missus is getting the Good News after showing 'My Little Ninja' her boobies. Baddies turn up and Steve kills them all, but not before his missus gets shot/blown up adding to his general sense of grievance and need to kick some ass BAD!

El Segal gets into some Mystic mumbo jumbo, in post 2002 films this will include some mystic vision action, and teaching his Homie that Chinese Mysticism isn't just bollocks by curing his genital warts with a dose of powdered Yak Cock.

The Black Best /famous rapper gets shot, leaving Segal to drive straight to the baddies HQ, and lay down some bad ass beat down on the Bossman's head henchman, kill the Boss and bust up the whole Drugs ring/Corrupt Government Agency/Mafia thing, and save the good looking aspiring actress who has been knocking about since the opening scene to no apparent purpose other than some light table dancing or getting her hooters out in an entirely non gratuitous fashion in the middle of the movie between fights.

Things we are liking this week.....

Fantastic badges from 'Boyce 1964' on Ebay.

Great design fella, and lovely quality.

If you want well designed non cheesy/wannabe West Ham badges this is your man.

Carlton Cole.....

I'm sorry, I was very wrong about you.

Well done for getting past the abuse that some West Ham fans aimed at you, and starting to fulfill the potential that people in the game always said you had.

Wednesday's Goal was a beauty.

Maybe I spoke too soon......

Seems that Mr David Beckham won't be honouring his contract in America after all, he's managed to pressure the LA Galaxy into a 'time share' agreement with AC Milan that will see him remain with the Italian Club until the end of the season, before returning to California for the last part of their season.

Now, I can fully understand why Beckham might prefer Milan to LA, on all sorts of levels, but I doubt that will be much of a comfort to the people who paid for tickets at the Galaxy on the basis that they would be watching what the British Media insist is one of the World's greatest footballers. Seems that self interest has again spoken louder to a footballer than Loyalty and the people who paid their huge wages, the Fans.

I'm not going to say too much about Stuart Attwell's performance as Referee at Wigan on Wednesday night, if both managers agree that you had a shocker, then i think that it's a fair bet that you did. CfC scored an absolute peach of a goal, and the game was effectively ruined for Mr Attwell's insitance on playing by the letter of the law on his (admittedly) high challenge, he was watching the ball all the way, and had no idea the Wigan player was stooping for the ball....

As usual Sky Sports News are raking over the muck endlessly, but at the end of the day we got the result, and whether Lucas Neil had intention to play the ball or not there is no excusing the actions of Clattermole and a team who had no intention of playing football by that stage.