What is wrong with England?

Teddy 'poisonous Ted' Sherringham regularly claimed that despite not being able or maybe just not willing to run on a football pitch, it was all OK because the first five yards where all in his head. 

On occasions when he played against John Terry it would almost certainly ten yards, given Terry's unerring ability to be at least five yards from where he should be on almost any occasion that his location is of importance. 

Of course his positioning is only part of what the man that the media like to refer to as 'JT' brought to this World Cup. Whether it was disposing of fringe players by the simple and effective method of getting caught giving an outing to little JT  with their womenfolk, or attempting a poorly judged 'coup' at the training ground covered in exhaustive detail by a fawning media who love his 'passion' almost as much as they love a simple story that their readers will easily understand and doesn't require any sort of difficult footballing research or knowledge. 

Of course, Terry isn't the only one to blame. You could have a go at Wayne Rooney for being as effective as a striker as male willpower is a contraceptive, but that would be missing out on Capello insisting on playing him whilst he was clearly blowing out his arse in what should have been simple group stage games against the USA and Algeria when Mini Judas and the Circus freak should easily suffice. You could declare that Frank Lampard is to tournament football what Nick Griffin is to cultural sensitivity, and that he can't hit a dead ball for England any more than he can create an effective midfield unit with Steven Gerrard, but again it's not the real reason. 

The reason becomes slightly more apparent if you'd changed channel after the Germany debacle to watch the Argentina v Mexico game. Whilst both had pundits howling over 'refereeing errors' and for sure we should have video technology in football like Billy needs a new catchphrase, there where some very noticeable differences. Whilst some of the England team conspired to trap the ball further than the ball boys could throw one, both Latin American sides showed that it's not impossible for a team to combine speed and physical challenges with being able to be two footed, having good close control, and creating good runs off the ball amongst other things that English players seem to have beaten out of them in the quest to be bigger and faster than anyone else at a young age. 

The whole system of player development in the UK needs to be revised, not just by the FA or the Premier League, but at every level. In England we have less than 10% of the coaches qualified to the highest level that our European neighbors have, and we are still insisting that kids are playing competitive 11 a side matches with a full size and weight ball almost as soon as they are out of nappies. We need professional clubs to pick up the skillful kids as well as just the big ones and the fast ones. 

Of course, it won't happen. It'll be glossed over, the Premiership and SKY will continue to be dominated by revenue over good football with teams like Bolton and Stoke still relying on clogging great lumps to give them a chance of survival. And England will blame a few fringe players and the manager, and the 'Golden Generation' will go on to under perform in the Euro 2012 qualifiers prior to another inquest where Terry, Lampard, Gerrard and Rooney will be absolved. 

Meh!, It's alright I suppose.

For those of you dull enough to read my randomized noodling on here, you might have seen a rather cutting critique of the Guardian's Saturday listings magazine "The Guide" and in particular their scribbler one Pete Cashmore. Those even more lacking in worthwhile work time distractions such as Porn, Youtube videos of people being hurt or even a copy of Microsoft Solitaire might even have read the exchange between myself and Mr Cashmore or an even sadder individual pretending to be the same. It's covered such magnificent topics as terms of abuse and their correct application, male pattern baldness and vanity googling, i promise you, it really is dull as fuck. 

But i digress, on the weekend there was included in 'The Guide' a lazy flowchart thrown together with clearly less than a full half hour's hard work, that purported to be an easy way to distinguish which Summer event of the weekend you where at. I have to applaud the boy Cashmore on one particular line in what was essentially a bit of filler, that did make me giggle.

"are you standing in actual sewage? Congratulations, you are at Glastonbury".

Nicely done.  A witty confluence of all my own favorite prejudices against festivals in general, Glastonbury in particular, and especially the sort of wellyboots and shorts wearing, personal hygiene ignoring, Strongbow chugging inadequates who attend.  

What I got wrong part Xii

On the event of England's hopeless capitulation to the Germans, I thought I'd have a look back at the World Cup up to that point, which lets be honest is as good as the end for most Ingerlund fans...

GROUP A

Well, France really did spontaneously combust, which was even more dramatic than I was expecting. It wasn't any secret that Domenech was widely reviled, but the extent of that antipathy in the playing squad and the number of internal conflicts that they managed to crank up in just a couple of weeks in South Africa was truly impressive.

I predicted that a good tournament for Thierry Henry would see them qualify for the last 16, and Domenech virtually refused to play him and promptly went out. So far so good.

South Africa came closer to progressing than I expected, and I completely missed their better players, choosing instead to ridicule Fats McCarthy. I stand by that decision.

Mexico and Uruguay went through, Mexico where good and I was spot on with Forlan being far better than the tabloids where willing to admit before, being obsessed with his 'failure' at Old Trafford, and Lodiero was mustard as well. Which is nice.

GROUP B

It's all about Argentina. Oh yes. And I also called South Korea to qualify for the last 16. I'm pleased enough with that.

GROUP C

On the thirty first of May i said this:
 
"Ferdinand and Terry are both too old, too unfit and too positionally inept to win a world cup as Center backs.

Their Understudies are King and Upson, who are repsectively too unfit and had an absolute stinker of a season.

The first choice Fullbacks are good, Cole and Johnson. Beyond that we are in trouble.

We have far too many wide midfielders that are runners not players.

Lampard and Gerrard can't play together, but we have nobody else good enough to play with them individually. Also, Lampard is shit with a dead ball, but insists that he takes everything.

Rooney looks dead on his feet, so should be rested for the group games and Defoe and Crouch trusted to get the job done so he is fresh for the last 16. Won't happen though." 

Nothing happened that changed my mind.

The Americans where good enough to qualify but not good enough to go any further, and Slovenia and Algeria as limited as the predictions suggested.

GROUP D

Ah, this is where it all goes wrong.

Germany did better than I predicted in the group, and 'one to watch' Tasci didn't get a game as far as I know.

The predicted England v Australia game didn't happen either as both teams stunk the place out, with England finishing second to the USA, who went on to lose to Ghana in the last 16, and Australia getting roundly tonked by everyone.

Serbia, who i blew smoke up the arse of, also sucked.

I was right about Asamoah Gyan though, who is now being linked with West Ham, so will instantly become rubbish.

GROUP E

Again, predictions didn't live up to the billing, with Cameroon inexplicably playing Samuel Eto'o as a withdrawn forward who had no impact at all, and I completely missed Honda, Japan's main man.

Holland and Japan went through, although i do hold on to the caveat i made at the time that without Eto'o being on fire Cameroon would struggle, he wasn't and they did.

GROUP F

Ah. Italy. yes, well I got that very wrong didn't I?

Slovakia who I knew nothing worthwhile about went through, as did Paraguay about whom I was equally in the dark.

And to add insult to injury, New Zealand who I ridiculed turned out to be real World Cup surprises who didn't get battered at all but played their hearts out and where not far off qualifying from the group.

In my defense, I was right about Vittek and Stoch of Solvakia being useful.

GROUP G

As predicted by anyone with much of a clue at all, it was all about Brazil and Portugal once Drogba was injured, and so it came to pass. However what should have been the marquee game of the group stages, Brazil v Portugal, was a terrible game of football.

Pleased ish with having spotted Nilmar as a key player for Brazil, and the fantastic shout of Kim Jong Il as the key man for North Korea after the coach revealed that he was communicating with the Great Leader by invisible mobile.

GROUP H

Another one where the wheels almost came off, with Spain managing to lose their opening game to Switzerland, but in the end the Spanish and Chileans went through, pretty much as I'd suggested.

So, from the group stages I predicted 8 teams correctly, had a further 4 right on progressing, but in the wrong order, and France, Italy, Australia and Nigeria who i tipped but didn't make the grade.

ROUND OF 16

So far Uruguay have beaten South Korea, Ghana beat the USA and Germany beat England......so no shocks yet beyond the USA qualifying ahead of England, and England not being technically proficient enough to beat the Germans.

Sad but true.

UPDATE No5 - AARGH!!! MY FACE!!!!

Just 24 hours on and yet more joy in South Africa, or at least a wry smile for the cynics in the crowd. 

John Terry's much replayed 'Crisis meeting' turned out to be little more than a fatherly chat from Fabio and a bit of a boys night in with the Algeria video according to Frankie. Then again, Frank did also feign astonishment that 'JT' didn't mention him when listing players unable to unlock a World Cup defense. Apparently he didn't immediately storm down and hammer on Terry's door after his comments, rumors that he called Malouda and asked him to do it for him are unfounded. 

Kim Jong-Hun obviously lost his invisible mobile phone down the back of the hotel sofa, preventing him from obtaining the tactical wisdom of the Great Leader, and taking a 7-0 spanking off Portugal. Nevermind North Korea, the Gulag is probably quite nice at this time of year.

Brazil beat Cote de Ivoire, and Chile beat Switzerland, but both losing teams got a measure of revenge with the latest World Cup craze amongst bored players who can't even play Golf any more, waiting for innocuous touch from an opposition player, and then throwing one's self at the floor clutching your face. It's a cunts move, for sure.

Getting so much better all the time

We are a week into the World Cup and it's getting better and better.

Ok so the actual games have been a bit dull with only a couple of games with more than a single goal separating the teams, and the host nation taking an early bath, it's been more of an endurance test watching 3 games a day for the last 9 days.

But behind the scenes it's been BRILLIANT!

Fifa have been leading the way, arresting ladies for wearing the wrong colour frock at the Holland v Denmark game, arresting a tout for trying to shift 70 odd tickets whilst Fifa delegate Jack Warner has been shifting them by the hundred, and generally getting on everyone's tits.....

England have been abysmal, and Wayne Rooney has had to apologize for having a pop at the fans who told him so. But at least the booing drowned out the Vuvuzellas. Apparently John Terry is promising a big bust up at the team meeting tonight, although fuck knows what he thinks gives him the right to be shouting the odds off the back of his own performance, so that might get things a bit more lively....

But England can't hold a candle to our Gallic cousins across the Channel, as I might have mentioned before Raymond Domenech isn't widely admired as coach, and having warmed up with a bust up with midfielder Florent Malouda, he eased himself into the group stages by being physically separated from Patrice Evra on the training pitch, and then sending Anelka home after he abused the Manager when substituted, calling him a "dirty son of a whore". Aware that they where unlikely to make the second round, the French revved up for their Cup Final today by refusing to train, having two support staff resign, and generally getting more involved with the internal bickering. Whilst the team is obviously suffering a footballing hangover from the retirement of Zinadine Zidane, as far as fighting with each other goes they are hot favourites.

The other pre tournament favourites to self combust,Holland, have managed to keep it remarkably together. Even Wesley Snejider has stuck to football and the Oranjie are looking good off the back of their new found harmony having clocked on as the first team to qualify for the round of 16.

Whilst the German camp is solid, they have drafted in living legend and Bayern Munich talisman Franz Beckenbauer to aim a series of well aimed and very public jibes at their potential opponents in the next rounds. So far 'The Kaiser' has mauled the Americans, described Brazil as 'boring' and said that England are a kick and rush side that has gone backwards.......so spot on so far then. Back home one of their TV pundits got all Third Reich over Germany scoring, which whilst it was uber non-PC in itself might have been glossed over had the scorer not been Polish born Miroslav Klose.

Brazil have also taken a beating from Argentina Manager and general social hand-grenade Diego Maradonna. whilst he's still really just warming up, it can only be a matter of time until he really launches into the old enemy, Pele. Whilst the British Press insist that Maradonna is so mentalist as to be a complete liabillty, his team seem to be discounting that suspicion by being the only other guaranteed qualifiers with a 100% record in their two games so far.

Spain again looked to grasp defeat from the jaws of Victory by losing their first match against Switzerland......

And Italy, the holders, have spurned the idea of defending the title from the front by drawing their first game with Paraguay, and as I type being held 1-1 by the mighty New Zealand in the 86th minute. As yet there has been no real recriminations, but then we are still 4 minutes from the final whistle and the urgent requirement to beat Slovakia by a hatfull on Thursday to stumble into second place behind Paraguay assuming they manage at least a draw against NZ. Italy will then face Holland in the last 16 rather than the more managable proposition of Japan.

Dunga's Brazil have the opportunity of throwing off the Boring tag in their second game tonight against Ivory Coast. They scraped a 2-1 win in the first game against North Korea, but to be fair it's more than possible that the tactical genius of Great Leader Kim Jong Il is the thing that enabled them to match the Brazillians, that he communicates to team manager Kim Jong-hun via mobile telephones invisible to the naked eye that the Great Leader himself invented. Or so the North Koreans are claiming.

African hopes seem to hinge on Ghana and Cote de Ivoire at this stage, with Cameroon needing to beat the Clogs by at least two in their final game, and hope that Denmark do them a favour and beat the Japanese if they are to qualify. Nigeria need to beat South Korea on Tuesday by a similar margin and hope quite reasonably that Argentina do a job on Greece. The hosts will need a quite frankly unfeasable six goal win over France to stay in, and for Uruguay or Mexico to win without reply.

So as we move into the second week of group games, with the third games starting on Tuesday, this is where we are:

Group A

Uruguay and Mexico will both go through unless France or South Africa win and win well when they meet on Tuesday.

Group B

Argentina are through, South Korea are likely to join them unless they get well beaten by Nigeria and Argentina don't beat the Greeks.

Group C

England need to beat Slovenia to qualify. The USA also need a win against Algeria, who can only go through with a 2 goal victory over the Americans.

Group D

Germany need to beat Ghana as Serbia have to be favorites to beat the execrable Australians. That would put Germany through second to Serbia, and therefore playing England in the last 16 if England go through as group winners. If Ghana beat the Germans, and the Australians beat Serbia, then the Aussies can still go through and the Germans go out.

Group E

Holland are through, Japan will join them with a point against Denmark, who need to beat Japan to claim the second spot. Cameroon need a miracle.

Group F

Italy and New Zealand drew today, so now Italy will need to beat Slovakia to progress, unless NZ beat Paraguay, in which case it will be down to goal difference.

Group G

Only one game played so far, so hard to say. Brazil have a win, and Ivory Coast and Portugal drew.

Group H

Shock result of the tournament so far was Switzerland beating Spain, with Chile beating Honduras being a little less shocking. One game down, and Spain need 2 wins. Chile and Switzerland play tomorrow and the winner of that game will qualify.

Uruguay v France

Uruguay in light blue as the home side, looking every inch the poor man's Argentina, and France in their white 'away' kit, looking very Addidas retro and still making the most of their colonial heritage despite Zou Zou having retired. Anelka plays up front on his own, with Ribery on his left, and both full backs making the most of Uruguay's narrow 3 up front formation to get forward. Uruguay have Diego Forlan up front with his Robbie Savage hair.

Early doors France are playing nice little triangles and on about five minutes Ribery almost releases Anelka, but the referee penalises the frenchman for a pull. A minute later Ribery gets the first decent cross of the game in, and Govou makes a horlicks of what should have been the opening goal by missing from six yards.

It's another ten minutes before we see anything meaningful in front of goal as Forlan has a lovely long distance effort saved, before wunderkind Gorcouff has a dig from 30 yards as well a couple of minutes later and forces another good save.

Ribery joins Evera in the book for the same offence of pulling his man back as the clock heads toward 20 minutes. France are playing better football, but Uruguay have defended well but have been given up possession too easily with some hospital passes that mostly give France the ball back.

Gorcouff is determined to win goal of the tournament by hitting it from distance at every opportunity.

Around 37 minutes Galas is lucky to get a whistle from the referee as he loses Suarez who would have been clean through, Suarez seems unable to see the defenders inside him and consequently has been caught offside several times.

Just before half time Anelka fails to get a proper header on a good Sagna cross, and the teams go off, Uruguay to see if they can find some width, and the French to continue the Olympic standard bickering between Malouda and Domenech. Maybe they will have to be separated forcibly again.

The second half starts with no changes, and Gourcuff gets involved almost straight away with an overhit pass over the top into the area.

Forlan hits a free kick awarded for a foul on Suarez well to the far post, but Diaby is first to the ball, followed by a volley blasted wide by Arevalo. The Uruguay players seem to be finding it hard to stay on their feet, maybe the wrong studs?

In the fifty first minute Forlan gets on the end of a very good long ball out of defence, but Galas just about does enough by lunging in at the last minute. Forlan retaliates by landing on his meat and two veg.

Shortly after this i get interrupted by a text from Papa John's Pizza offering me a 'big game deal' tommorow. Do these cunts not know that there is a game on?

Gourcuff bangs another long range hit and hope effort in, the French are playing at a very English pace, unsuprisingly with so many Premiership players in there, but are lacking quality in the final third (he says dipping into his big book of footballing cliches)

Fifty Fifth minute, and Touralan catches a does of 'Gourcuff' and has a pop from fifty yards. The keeper gets down well to save, but it was going wide anyway.

Vic-Torino as I like to call him gets yellow for a tackle on the edge of the area, and Gourcuff spurns his opportiunity to just lash it in by crossing to Ribery who is on the edge of the D, and er, lashes it well high and wide.

Straight up to the other end, and Uruguay win a free kick in a similar area. They substitute Gonzalez for Lodiero who has featured heavily in the qualification matches. Forlan then hits the free kick straight at the keeper.

Evera is living dangerously with a nasty foul. he's already on a yellow. Lodiero is also booked for kicking the ball away

Things suddenly liven up when Touralan commits a nasty foul and the players get involved in a bit of handbags. Domenech who is loathed to miss the opportunity for a ruck this World Cup is straight up off the bench and gets involved. Straight away Diaby keeps it lively by clattering into a Uruguay player straight after the restart. The French bench decides to bring on Henry to improve their attacking play, inexplicably taking Anelka off for him. Govou has been dogshit, and clearly has some photos of Domenech in a compromising position with a poodle that he has threatened to show to Malouda if he's taken off.

Gourcuff is at it again, that one is almost a throw in. Domenech decides to make another change and Malouda is given time off from making voodoo dolls of the Manager in the back of the dugout to replace Gourcuff. He immediately proves he is the perfect replacement with a hopeful 40 yard luzz.

Lodiero is sent off for a frankly shocking tackle on Sagna in the 80th minute, could easily have been a straight red. Sagna leaves the pitch in order to call Domenech a cunt as he puts his shin pads back in. meanwhile Henry spurns a decent chance by being offside.

Raymond finally remembers that Govou is on the pitch, and immediately replaces him with Gigac the Toulouse striker, who jogs to the right wing position. no, seriously. France are all over it now, and Uruguay just can't get a foot on the ball. They bring on Eguren for Perez just for the fresh legs in the center of the park

Late in the game the French make a deeply ironic appeal for hand ball against Vic-Torino. It never is.

Thats pretty much that then, Malouda fails to beat the first man from a corner, Henry hits the wall from a decent free kick on the edge of the area, but all in all Uruguay hang on for the draw.

Man of the Match - Sagna - France.

South Africa v Mexico

It's here!!!! The World Cup has started.

Well, it finished 1-1.

I said earlier that the South Africans would need a huge dose of home advantage, and they look to have got that.

The first half was all Mexico, with the SA keeper making a superb reaction save from Franco, and another blinding save later in the game. In the second half the Mexicans couldn't maintain their domination of the possession, and the home side's first really convincing attack led to a goal that was either brilliant or a very lucky bit of hit and hope. Mexico always looked good value for an equaliser though, and as I mentioned, local desperation to keep the dream going led to a couple of really nasty looking last ditch tackles, and toward the end some very Wimbledon route one football. Mexico's goal was beautifully crafted, with Marques controling and placing the ball beautifully.

Right, now what time does the France game start?