The Tabloids and even the grown up papers will all be publishing 'guides' to the FIFA World Cup TM, pretending for a minute that they can talk about something other than England and Premiership based players, so I thought I would have a go as well.
GROUP A
FRANCE:
The main thing that you need to know about this year's vintage of 'Les Bleus' is that absolutely everybody hates Raymond Domenech. The players hate him, the fans hate him, and the media hate him. so in that sense the French are totally together.
The team is acceptable, although they struggled a little in qualification, only beating the Faroe Islands by a single goal away, and drawing with Romania and Serbia, requiring the infamous assistance of Thierry Henry's hand to beat Ireland in a play-off.
Most of the team is made up of Arsenal players and ex-Arsenal players, but haven't yet made the step across from the old boys of the Thierry Henry era into the brave new world of the latest Clairefontaine graduates.
Key Player: If Thierry Henry can remember where the net is they should make it through the group stage. This time.
One to watch: Youann Gourcuff of Bordeaux. Might be at Arsenal next season if Cesc's Dad gets his way.
MEXICO
Did well in qualifying in the less testing CONCACAF group, second to the USA and 17th in the FIFA rankings.
Used to be personified by being photofit five foot six barrel chested Aztec shitkickers, but all seem to look Spanish these days, and less inclined to on-pitch fistycuffs.
Really should have beaten England and Holland in recent friendlies if that means anything, and should go through with the French from Group A, assuming no local favoring FIFA shenanigans.
Key Player: They've selected about a dozen forwards, so the meager midfield will be anchored by vetran Torrado, who along wih fellow vetrans Franco and Blanco will add some experience to the squad.
Ones to watch Arsenal and Tottenham combine as Carlos Vela and Giovanni Dos Santos hope to impose themselves.
SOUTH AFRICA
Wouldn't have got to the finals if they weren't hosting it. Mind you, Brazilian coach Perreria has taken four different teams to the finals, so you can't rule anything out.
Ranked 83rd in the Fifa rankings, they will be heavily reliant on the foreign based players to get anywhere, although apart from a few Premiership journeymen most of those ply their trade in the less challenging Greek and Israeli leagues.
Key Players: Captain and Portsmouth player Aaron Mokoena and Everton's Stephen Piennar are both as close to quality as South Africa get.
One to watch: West Ham's Benni McCarthy. Will he be playing up front having got fit at the pre-tournament training camp, or will he be doubling up as a kid's bouncy castle on the sidelines?
URUGUAY
Respectable South American side used to fighting for the scraps behind Brazil and Argentina in Copa America and World Cup qualifying.
Still cling defiantly to the shitkicking Aztec mould that Mexico have recently abandoned, they have a decent side that will think that they have the best chance in a while of making it out of the group stages. Mostly famous for winning far more often before the 1950's.
Key Player Forlan had a good season at Athletico Madrid. No, honest.
One to watch Nicholas Lodeiro was player of the match in their qualifying play off game, and has made some appearances for Ajax late in the season.
GROUP B
ARGENTINA
Led by former Coke fiend and all round mentalist Diego Maradona, they did appallingly in qualifying, and are by all accounts in a state of disarray.
Therefore, they will of course win it.
No, bear with me. Maradona might not be the world's best manager, but he might just know how to motivate the famously contrary South Americans in a World Cup Finals.
Key Players: er.... Heinze, Higuain, Messi, Tevez, Mascherano, Maxi Rodriguez, Samuel......
Player to watch Will you have Juan Sebastian Veron? apparently having an Indian Summer at Estudientes? no? ok then, any of the rest of them really.
GREECE
Led by typically efficient German Otto Rehagell, they beat Ukraine in a playoff after finishing second to Switzerland in qualifying.
Basically the Panathinaikos team with a few others added to make up the 22.
key player: f Theofanis Gekas scored ten in qualifying, so will be a key player in the tournament itself for them.
Players you will have heard of: Sotirios Kyrgiakos of Liverpool or perhaps Georgios Samaras of Celtic??
NIGERIA
African Light-Heavyweights with a massive selection of European based players whose names begin or end in O or U.
Interesting in that all 3 of their goalkeepers play in Israel.
A disappointing 3rd in the Africa Cup of Nations earlier in the year means that they will either be eager for revenge, or slipping further from the heights. Their players might not be the biggest names in African football, but they have more strength in depth than some.
Key Players: Everton pair of Yakubu and Yobo.
Players to watch: Bolton's Danny Shittu? average player, puntastic name. oh ok then, John Obi Mikel of Chelsea, and Obafemi Martins had a decent term at Wolfsburg.
SOUTH KOREA
Probably more concerned by torpedo attacks from Kim il Jung than the World Cup, so can be forgiven if their mind isn't 100% on it...
Surprise package of the Japan/Korea World Cup which has led some of the better players to play abroad, Cruised qualifying and will hope to qualify alongside Argentina in possibly the closest race for second place in the tournament.
Key Player: Park Ji Sung - Manc with a great chant
You might also have heard of: Lee-Chung Young. plays for Bolton.
GROUP C
ALGERIA
Had a relatively blinding ACN, where they finished 4th despite a record 4-0 loss to the hated Egypt, they extracted revenge by beating them in a qualification playoff, but realistically will be lucky if they get past the group stage here.
Mainly French and German based players along with a sprinkling of locally based ES Setif players.
They play a good style of football, so will be entertaining to watch, and are even more antipathetic to the French than we are, although they have no chance of playing them in this tournament.
Key Player: Rafik Sailif of Istres in France. easily the higest scorer in International football that they can muster.
One to watch: well, I'll be mostly watching Belhaj as he might well end up at West Ham following the wholesale purchase of the Portsmouth team by Golivan and Avram Grant.
ENGLAND
Do I have to? If you really don't know, just read any newspaper published in the months of May and June.
Oh OK.
Basically:
Ferdinand and Terry are both too old, too unfit and too positionally inept to win a world cup as Center backs.
Their Understudies are King and Upson, who are repsectively too unfit and had an absolute stinker of a season.
The first choice Fullbacks are good, Cole and Johnson. Beyond that we are in trouble.
We have far too many wide midfielders that are runners not players.
Lampard and Gerrard can't play together, but we have nobody else good enough to play with them individually. Also, Lampard is shit with a dead ball, but insists that he takes everything.
Rooney looks dead on his feet, so should be rested for the group games and Defoe and Crouch trusted to get the job done so he is fresh for the last 16. Won't happen though.
Key Player: Rooney.
Player to watch: John Terry's comedy defensive positioning? oh ok then, at a press Joe Cole might turn out to be a World Cup star. God help us if he writes a book off the back of it.
SLOVENIA:
Impenetrable Balkans.
Mostly known in the UK for not being Serbia.
However, they beat the Russians to grab a qualifying place after finishing to easily mistakable Slovakia in their group.
Slovenia is next to Hungary and Italy, and is part of the EU. Wikipedia turns up no interesting facts about Slovenia at all.
Key/recognizable/one to watch player: er, Captain Robert Koren of West Brom. There are no others.
THE YOONITED STATES OF AMERICA! YAY!! GO USA
They call it Soccer.
76th most popular sport in the US behind American Football, Basketball, Baseball, Golf, Water Polo and Lacrosse.
Key Players: Landon Donovan who is best known to the Tabloids for being beastly about Becks at LA Galaxy, and Clint Dempsey are both more than OK.
Ones to watch: It's not just Maids, Gardeners and cheap labour that the Americans import from Mexico, there are some halfway decent 'naturalised American' Mexicans in their Footall team as well. Jose Torres is a minature midfielder, and Hercules Gomez plays up front. Other than that, try and work out what business Johnathan Spector has playing International Football.
GROUP D
AUSTRALIA
Set up for a possible 'Ashes' style head to head with Ingerlund in the round of 16, Australians mostly ignore 'Soccer' unless they are Greek. (The Australia v Greece game a few years ago attracted 65,000 fans to the MCG)
Most of their players do or have played in the English leagues either in the Premiership or Fizzy Drink Championship, so can't be discounted. Also easy to support against the Germans by the average Ingelund fan.
Key Players: Tim Cahill and Mark Schwarzer, again more than acceptable players
One to watch As you'll recognize at least the names of most of their players, I'm going for Vince Grella.
GERMANY
The Old Enemy.
The one we all want to beat.
Unfortunately for fans of fair play and decency, 4 of their key players have been ruled out already (Ballack, Adler, Traesch and Westermann), and they weren't the Power that they where even before that setback.
Will depend very much on keeping their remaining established players fit, and who they manage to find to take with them.
Key Players: Bayern Munich pair Klose and Gomez up front, and vetran Schweinsteiger in the middle. Captain Lahm in defence.
One to Watch: Tasci of Stuttgart.
GHANA
African Middleweights with great background in Olympic Football (under 22) that they haven't converted into success at full International level.
Most players playing in Europe, with a strong Italian Serie A bias in the midfield.
Key Players: Asamoah Gyan of Rennes was top scorer in qualifying. Sulley Muntari of Inter and Stephen Appiah of Bologna experienced midfield generals who also know where the goal is.
One to watch: AC Milan prospect Dominic Adiyiah
SERBIA
Coached by Raddy Antic, another former Yugoslavian side, that has a decent set of players mostly based overseas in the big European leagues, with a hefty dose of Ultra Nationalism and some monkey chants thrown in by the fans.
A top 20 FIFA ranking and beating France into second place in qualifying suggest that it might not be just a cameo for these boys, reinforced by the number of Champions League players they will bring. Could be dark horses for a Quarter Final.
Key Players Jovanvic was top scorer in Qualifying, other than that Stankovic, Ivanovic and Vidic are the most recognisable names to us in the UK.
One to watch: Radovan Petrovic of Partizan could be interesting, and is one of the few home based players. he's 21 and has 6 caps, so must be doing something ok in that sort of company.
GROUP E
CAMEROON
The Indomitable Lions.
Perhaps the most successful African team in the World Cup, they reached the quarter finals in 1990, who could forget Roger Milla dancing around the corner flag?
Unfortunately Roger Milla can't forget his past either, and has spent most of the intervening 20 years reminding the rest of the Nation's footballers that they aren't as good as him.
And mostly he's been right, more notable in the past three World Cup's for their Puma kits that have been sleeveless and one piece at various times, they haven't made it past the group stage.
However, this year sees them field one of the World's best strikers in Samuel Eto'o along with a host of young European based hopefuls mixed with a few old hands to keep the youngsters in check.
Should progress along with the Dutch.
Key Players Eto'o is the man. If he decides to play after Milla savaged him in the local press again.
Ones to watch Another team with a good bit of Arsenal/Tottenham interest (who would have thought it eh? Arsene and Harry both liking a Franco-phone African.......) with Tottenham pair Assou Ekotto and Basong in defence, and Arsenal's much improved Alex Song in the middle. Also look out for Pierre Webbo of Real Mallorca and Achille Emana of Real Betis.
DENMARK
A respectable but aging squad with most of it's star players in their 30's, Denmark failed to qualify for the last World Cup or European Championships but are here after topping their group with a win over Sweden.
Despite being relatively elderly, they still seem to know where the goal is, beating the USA 3-1 in November last year, and Senegal 2-0 last month. However they did also lose to Austria in that period.
Will be hoping that Roger Milla gets as much screen time and press as possible in the next fortnight.
Key Players: Hopefully the creaking old bones of Jon Dahl Tommason, Martin Jorgensen and Dennis Rohmedahl are still up for the battle, and that Daniel Agger and Nikolas Bendtner are better for their National side than their clubs.
One to watch: With only 4 players under 25 in the squad it's difficult to pick a young hopeful who will make a splash.
NETHERLANDS
The most shocking thing about the Dutch recently is that they seem to have stopped fighting amongst themselves, although you can always rely on Wesley Sneijder to liven things up should it all become a little too amicable for the excitable Cloggies.
They have a great team, but like the Spaniards they also seem able to clutch defeat from the jaws of certain victory.
Regulars in the semi's and quarter finals of the European Championships, they have struggled with the World Cup since the Glory days of the seventies and Cruyff's Total Football.
Need to win their group to avoid Italy in the group of 16, and should manage that at least.
Key players: Like Argentina, almost an embarrassment of riches, but not quite as much as the sum of the parts at the moment. Van Persie, Robben, Huntleear and Van der Vart need to be at their best.
One to watch: Wesley Sneijder is always favourite to liven things up.
JAPAN
Mostly home based in the massively funded and quite impressive J-league. Their best players have the sort of profile in Japan that David and Mrs Beckham can only dream about, mobbed by obsessive fans everywhere and generally treated like....well like everybody else who has obtained semi deity levels of fame in Japan.
In reality the team is the powerhouse of Asian football, and has been invited twice to compete in the Copa America. Was the first team to qualify for the Finals, and have a decent chance of progressing here for the second time in their history.
They have also recently adopted the marvelous nickname 'Samurai Blue'
Key Players: Shunsuke Nakamura is their top scorer, Yuji Nakazawa is also a big name with over 100 caps and a lot of goals for a defender.
One to watch: Yuji Nakazawa 24 year old Shimizu S-Pulse forward who has scored 16 goals in 27 appearances. VZi football Tour vetrans will also be keeping an eye out for former St Ettienne player Daisuke Matsui, he comes from Tokyo, his name's a Radio!!
GROUP F
ITALY
Marchello Lippi's Serie-A representative Eleven contains only one player who plays outside of the Italian League, and are current World Champions following their 4th win in 2006.
Might at a push be accused of being a little past their best, and lightweight up front, but when you win everything one-nil then how many strikers do they need? will be highly organised, cynical and a bit dull.
Key Players: Depressingly, for everybody else, the first eleven is pretty awesome. Buffon, Cannavaro, Zambrotta, Chiellni, Gattusso, Pirlo, Camoranesi, Gillardini.......
Ones to watch Roma's Daniele De Rossi is a bit handy.
PARAGUAY
A decent record in the last three World Cup's where they have progressed from their group 2 out of 3 times, and beat Argentina in the qualifying group, so not too shabby.
Most of the squad is South America based, with a few playing in the more desirable climates of Northern England with Wigan, Sunderland and Manchester City. Exotic.
Key Players Nah, you've got me with this one. I'm going Tabloid and just listing the ones that play in the Premiership. Paolo de Silva (Sunderland) Christian Riveros (Sunderland) and Roque Santa Cruz (Man City) also coincidently are the top scorers and amongst the most capped, so probably not far off the truth. There is also young Wigan player Antolin Alcaraz, but he only has 4 caps.
One to watch: You are kidding me aren't you? OK, Valdez of Borussia Dortmund and Cardozo of Benfica are both decent strikers.
NEW ZEALAND
The imaginatively named All Whites go to their second World Cup finals mostly because FIFA moved Australia into the Asian Qualifying group leaving the Kiwis to battle the might of Vanuatu and New Caledonia as well as the powerhouse that is Fiji in their group, before playing off with Bahrain. In effect, a bye.
Overshadowed at home by Rugby of both codes, Cricket, sheep bothering and pretending to be in the 1950's as popular pastimes, the squad is mostly unknown to anyone who isn't a diehard Kiwi football fan. (Doug, Dave, Kevin from the pub, Big Doug, and that bloke with the dog from Wellington).
Players you might have heard of: er, Ryan Nelsen of Blackburn Rovers is the Captain of his national side.....Tractor Boy might be able to tell you something interesting about Tommy Smith, apart from him having a proper footballers name.
SLOVAKIA
Easily confused with Slovenia for us Brits.
Although being another Balkan State, they'd probably lynch you for saying that.
Many German based players, along with a wide selection of players plying their trade across Europe, not many big names, but some very handy players that will give Paraguay a game for the second spot.
This will be their first World Cup that they have qualified for after independence.
Key players: Robert Vittek of Lille is the top scorer, Martin Skertl of Liverpool and Marek Cech of West Brom are both decent enough players
One to watch Miroslav Stoch is supposed to be very useful. He's been at Chelsea for 2 years and has yet to start a Premiership game, but at 20 years old he has time. ten appearances and one goal for his National team.
GROUP G
(It's traditional to have a 'group of death'. In 2010 this is probably it.)
BRAZIL
Football's Harlem Globetrotters.
The team that has launched a thousand over opinionated Students standing in pubs wearing their replica shirts and talking too loudly about players that they never saw play and 'Samba Football'. or some such bollocks.
Also probably still the bookies favorite to win the thing again, despite not being the strongest Brazil squad ever.
Mostly made up of players with just one name, think Pele, Socrates, Zico, Dunga (who is the manager this year) and that buck toothed fella who used to be good.
Key Players: Daniel Alves, Kaka, Juliho Baptista, Kleberson and Captain Lucio.
One to watch: Nilmar of Villa Real.
IVORY COAST
Didier Drogba and friends.
African Heavyweights with a raft of Superstar players from the big European Leagues, and the odd passport with a hard to believe age on it.
As usual, Arsenal will be well represented within the Franco-phone side, as well as Chelsea, Seville, Barca and the top French sides.
Key Player er, Didier Drogba.
Players to watch Various Toure's (Kolo from Man City and Yaya of Barca) Eboue of Arse, Zokora of Seville, Kalou of Chelsea and keep an eye out for Gervinho of Lille and Dutch Champion's FC Twente's Chiek Tiote.
PORTUGAL
They have Christiano Ronaldo in the same way that Cote de Ivoire has Drogba.
Chelsea-centric defence from the Special One's days play behind a mostly Spanish based team. struggled in qualification and another side that has always struggled to live up to the quality of the individuals involved. Also struggling still to get over the shadow of the Luis Figo figureheaded 'Golden Generation'.
key player: Ronaldo. simple as. If the rentboy looking Galactico performs, then they will do ok.
Other key players: Ricardo Carvalho, Paulo Ferreira and Deco of Chelsea, Nani from the Red Mancs, Tiago and Simao of Athletico Madrid.
NORTH KOREA
To be honest, you have as much of a clue as me.
Qualified top of their group on goal difference from Saudi Arabia.
All home based apart from a single Japan based player and Captain and top scorer Hong Yong-Jo who plays for Rostov in Russia.
Key Player: Kim Jong Il.
GROUP H
CHILE
Finished second to Brazil in the murderous South American qualifying group, so a bit tasty.
No real superstars that the Europeans would recognize, but seem to like a tear-up having been banned from the 1990 and 1994 events due to a qualifying scandal were the goalkeeper pretended to have been hit by a firework thrown by a Brazilian fan, and the team refused to come back out due to the 'danger'. Then banned 7 of their own players in 1997 due to bad behaviour at the Copa America....so should add some colour to proceedings.
Key player: Humberto Suazo of Montherey is their top scorer
One to watch: Alexis Sánchez of Udinese has scored 11 in 28 appearances, and is 20 years old.
HONDURAS
Last of the 3 Concaf region qualifiers, having finished behind TEAM USA! and Mexico.
Mostly home based players, but another team with an odd Wigan contingent and the essential Tottenham player.
Key Players: Captain Amado Guevara has 133 caps and is a goal scoring midfielder. Top scorer Carlos Pavón has 57 international goals to his name in 98 games. Wilson Palacios of Tottenham is a very good player.
Wigan players: Maynor Figueroa and Hendry Thomas
SPAIN
Should win it, but probably won't.
You know all their players, Liverpool's Keeper Reina and Striker Torres, and Arsenal's Fabregas along with the cream of Barcelona and Real Madrid and the star players of a few other Primera League teams.
Yet again, Spain should be amongst the favourites, but in the past they have always managed to find a way not to make it not quite work out, although they made the Quarter Finals in '86 '94 and '02 and won the last European Championships. Have lost one game since June '09, being beaten 2-0 by the yooessaye.
Key Players: Casillas, Pique, Puyol, Ramos, Arbeloa, Iniesta, Hernandez, Fabregas, Alonso, Silva, Villa, Torres.
One to watch: There's no point, you know them all already.
Everybody else hopes.... er, Torres isn't fit and Fabregas is too busy worrying about his move to Barcelona?
SWITZERLAND
Ottmar Hitzfeld has done well with this lot.
Won their group comfortably, and will be keen to make the group of 16.
Also fond of Cuckoo Clocks and Toblerone as well as questionable Football Club names.
Key Players: Hakan Yakin scored all 3 Swiss goals in Euro '08. Alexander Frei is the top scorer with 40 goals in 73 games.
Watch out for: Valon Bherami looking forward to a big payday with his new club, and maybe not stinking the World Cup out like he did Upton Park this season. Arsenal's Phillipe Senderos is also in the side.
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