What is wrong with England?

Teddy 'poisonous Ted' Sherringham regularly claimed that despite not being able or maybe just not willing to run on a football pitch, it was all OK because the first five yards where all in his head. 

On occasions when he played against John Terry it would almost certainly ten yards, given Terry's unerring ability to be at least five yards from where he should be on almost any occasion that his location is of importance. 

Of course his positioning is only part of what the man that the media like to refer to as 'JT' brought to this World Cup. Whether it was disposing of fringe players by the simple and effective method of getting caught giving an outing to little JT  with their womenfolk, or attempting a poorly judged 'coup' at the training ground covered in exhaustive detail by a fawning media who love his 'passion' almost as much as they love a simple story that their readers will easily understand and doesn't require any sort of difficult footballing research or knowledge. 

Of course, Terry isn't the only one to blame. You could have a go at Wayne Rooney for being as effective as a striker as male willpower is a contraceptive, but that would be missing out on Capello insisting on playing him whilst he was clearly blowing out his arse in what should have been simple group stage games against the USA and Algeria when Mini Judas and the Circus freak should easily suffice. You could declare that Frank Lampard is to tournament football what Nick Griffin is to cultural sensitivity, and that he can't hit a dead ball for England any more than he can create an effective midfield unit with Steven Gerrard, but again it's not the real reason. 

The reason becomes slightly more apparent if you'd changed channel after the Germany debacle to watch the Argentina v Mexico game. Whilst both had pundits howling over 'refereeing errors' and for sure we should have video technology in football like Billy needs a new catchphrase, there where some very noticeable differences. Whilst some of the England team conspired to trap the ball further than the ball boys could throw one, both Latin American sides showed that it's not impossible for a team to combine speed and physical challenges with being able to be two footed, having good close control, and creating good runs off the ball amongst other things that English players seem to have beaten out of them in the quest to be bigger and faster than anyone else at a young age. 

The whole system of player development in the UK needs to be revised, not just by the FA or the Premier League, but at every level. In England we have less than 10% of the coaches qualified to the highest level that our European neighbors have, and we are still insisting that kids are playing competitive 11 a side matches with a full size and weight ball almost as soon as they are out of nappies. We need professional clubs to pick up the skillful kids as well as just the big ones and the fast ones. 

Of course, it won't happen. It'll be glossed over, the Premiership and SKY will continue to be dominated by revenue over good football with teams like Bolton and Stoke still relying on clogging great lumps to give them a chance of survival. And England will blame a few fringe players and the manager, and the 'Golden Generation' will go on to under perform in the Euro 2012 qualifiers prior to another inquest where Terry, Lampard, Gerrard and Rooney will be absolved. 

Meh!, It's alright I suppose.

For those of you dull enough to read my randomized noodling on here, you might have seen a rather cutting critique of the Guardian's Saturday listings magazine "The Guide" and in particular their scribbler one Pete Cashmore. Those even more lacking in worthwhile work time distractions such as Porn, Youtube videos of people being hurt or even a copy of Microsoft Solitaire might even have read the exchange between myself and Mr Cashmore or an even sadder individual pretending to be the same. It's covered such magnificent topics as terms of abuse and their correct application, male pattern baldness and vanity googling, i promise you, it really is dull as fuck. 

But i digress, on the weekend there was included in 'The Guide' a lazy flowchart thrown together with clearly less than a full half hour's hard work, that purported to be an easy way to distinguish which Summer event of the weekend you where at. I have to applaud the boy Cashmore on one particular line in what was essentially a bit of filler, that did make me giggle.

"are you standing in actual sewage? Congratulations, you are at Glastonbury".

Nicely done.  A witty confluence of all my own favorite prejudices against festivals in general, Glastonbury in particular, and especially the sort of wellyboots and shorts wearing, personal hygiene ignoring, Strongbow chugging inadequates who attend.  

What I got wrong part Xii

On the event of England's hopeless capitulation to the Germans, I thought I'd have a look back at the World Cup up to that point, which lets be honest is as good as the end for most Ingerlund fans...

GROUP A

Well, France really did spontaneously combust, which was even more dramatic than I was expecting. It wasn't any secret that Domenech was widely reviled, but the extent of that antipathy in the playing squad and the number of internal conflicts that they managed to crank up in just a couple of weeks in South Africa was truly impressive.

I predicted that a good tournament for Thierry Henry would see them qualify for the last 16, and Domenech virtually refused to play him and promptly went out. So far so good.

South Africa came closer to progressing than I expected, and I completely missed their better players, choosing instead to ridicule Fats McCarthy. I stand by that decision.

Mexico and Uruguay went through, Mexico where good and I was spot on with Forlan being far better than the tabloids where willing to admit before, being obsessed with his 'failure' at Old Trafford, and Lodiero was mustard as well. Which is nice.

GROUP B

It's all about Argentina. Oh yes. And I also called South Korea to qualify for the last 16. I'm pleased enough with that.

GROUP C

On the thirty first of May i said this:
 
"Ferdinand and Terry are both too old, too unfit and too positionally inept to win a world cup as Center backs.

Their Understudies are King and Upson, who are repsectively too unfit and had an absolute stinker of a season.

The first choice Fullbacks are good, Cole and Johnson. Beyond that we are in trouble.

We have far too many wide midfielders that are runners not players.

Lampard and Gerrard can't play together, but we have nobody else good enough to play with them individually. Also, Lampard is shit with a dead ball, but insists that he takes everything.

Rooney looks dead on his feet, so should be rested for the group games and Defoe and Crouch trusted to get the job done so he is fresh for the last 16. Won't happen though." 

Nothing happened that changed my mind.

The Americans where good enough to qualify but not good enough to go any further, and Slovenia and Algeria as limited as the predictions suggested.

GROUP D

Ah, this is where it all goes wrong.

Germany did better than I predicted in the group, and 'one to watch' Tasci didn't get a game as far as I know.

The predicted England v Australia game didn't happen either as both teams stunk the place out, with England finishing second to the USA, who went on to lose to Ghana in the last 16, and Australia getting roundly tonked by everyone.

Serbia, who i blew smoke up the arse of, also sucked.

I was right about Asamoah Gyan though, who is now being linked with West Ham, so will instantly become rubbish.

GROUP E

Again, predictions didn't live up to the billing, with Cameroon inexplicably playing Samuel Eto'o as a withdrawn forward who had no impact at all, and I completely missed Honda, Japan's main man.

Holland and Japan went through, although i do hold on to the caveat i made at the time that without Eto'o being on fire Cameroon would struggle, he wasn't and they did.

GROUP F

Ah. Italy. yes, well I got that very wrong didn't I?

Slovakia who I knew nothing worthwhile about went through, as did Paraguay about whom I was equally in the dark.

And to add insult to injury, New Zealand who I ridiculed turned out to be real World Cup surprises who didn't get battered at all but played their hearts out and where not far off qualifying from the group.

In my defense, I was right about Vittek and Stoch of Solvakia being useful.

GROUP G

As predicted by anyone with much of a clue at all, it was all about Brazil and Portugal once Drogba was injured, and so it came to pass. However what should have been the marquee game of the group stages, Brazil v Portugal, was a terrible game of football.

Pleased ish with having spotted Nilmar as a key player for Brazil, and the fantastic shout of Kim Jong Il as the key man for North Korea after the coach revealed that he was communicating with the Great Leader by invisible mobile.

GROUP H

Another one where the wheels almost came off, with Spain managing to lose their opening game to Switzerland, but in the end the Spanish and Chileans went through, pretty much as I'd suggested.

So, from the group stages I predicted 8 teams correctly, had a further 4 right on progressing, but in the wrong order, and France, Italy, Australia and Nigeria who i tipped but didn't make the grade.

ROUND OF 16

So far Uruguay have beaten South Korea, Ghana beat the USA and Germany beat England......so no shocks yet beyond the USA qualifying ahead of England, and England not being technically proficient enough to beat the Germans.

Sad but true.

UPDATE No5 - AARGH!!! MY FACE!!!!

Just 24 hours on and yet more joy in South Africa, or at least a wry smile for the cynics in the crowd. 

John Terry's much replayed 'Crisis meeting' turned out to be little more than a fatherly chat from Fabio and a bit of a boys night in with the Algeria video according to Frankie. Then again, Frank did also feign astonishment that 'JT' didn't mention him when listing players unable to unlock a World Cup defense. Apparently he didn't immediately storm down and hammer on Terry's door after his comments, rumors that he called Malouda and asked him to do it for him are unfounded. 

Kim Jong-Hun obviously lost his invisible mobile phone down the back of the hotel sofa, preventing him from obtaining the tactical wisdom of the Great Leader, and taking a 7-0 spanking off Portugal. Nevermind North Korea, the Gulag is probably quite nice at this time of year.

Brazil beat Cote de Ivoire, and Chile beat Switzerland, but both losing teams got a measure of revenge with the latest World Cup craze amongst bored players who can't even play Golf any more, waiting for innocuous touch from an opposition player, and then throwing one's self at the floor clutching your face. It's a cunts move, for sure.

Getting so much better all the time

We are a week into the World Cup and it's getting better and better.

Ok so the actual games have been a bit dull with only a couple of games with more than a single goal separating the teams, and the host nation taking an early bath, it's been more of an endurance test watching 3 games a day for the last 9 days.

But behind the scenes it's been BRILLIANT!

Fifa have been leading the way, arresting ladies for wearing the wrong colour frock at the Holland v Denmark game, arresting a tout for trying to shift 70 odd tickets whilst Fifa delegate Jack Warner has been shifting them by the hundred, and generally getting on everyone's tits.....

England have been abysmal, and Wayne Rooney has had to apologize for having a pop at the fans who told him so. But at least the booing drowned out the Vuvuzellas. Apparently John Terry is promising a big bust up at the team meeting tonight, although fuck knows what he thinks gives him the right to be shouting the odds off the back of his own performance, so that might get things a bit more lively....

But England can't hold a candle to our Gallic cousins across the Channel, as I might have mentioned before Raymond Domenech isn't widely admired as coach, and having warmed up with a bust up with midfielder Florent Malouda, he eased himself into the group stages by being physically separated from Patrice Evra on the training pitch, and then sending Anelka home after he abused the Manager when substituted, calling him a "dirty son of a whore". Aware that they where unlikely to make the second round, the French revved up for their Cup Final today by refusing to train, having two support staff resign, and generally getting more involved with the internal bickering. Whilst the team is obviously suffering a footballing hangover from the retirement of Zinadine Zidane, as far as fighting with each other goes they are hot favourites.

The other pre tournament favourites to self combust,Holland, have managed to keep it remarkably together. Even Wesley Snejider has stuck to football and the Oranjie are looking good off the back of their new found harmony having clocked on as the first team to qualify for the round of 16.

Whilst the German camp is solid, they have drafted in living legend and Bayern Munich talisman Franz Beckenbauer to aim a series of well aimed and very public jibes at their potential opponents in the next rounds. So far 'The Kaiser' has mauled the Americans, described Brazil as 'boring' and said that England are a kick and rush side that has gone backwards.......so spot on so far then. Back home one of their TV pundits got all Third Reich over Germany scoring, which whilst it was uber non-PC in itself might have been glossed over had the scorer not been Polish born Miroslav Klose.

Brazil have also taken a beating from Argentina Manager and general social hand-grenade Diego Maradonna. whilst he's still really just warming up, it can only be a matter of time until he really launches into the old enemy, Pele. Whilst the British Press insist that Maradonna is so mentalist as to be a complete liabillty, his team seem to be discounting that suspicion by being the only other guaranteed qualifiers with a 100% record in their two games so far.

Spain again looked to grasp defeat from the jaws of Victory by losing their first match against Switzerland......

And Italy, the holders, have spurned the idea of defending the title from the front by drawing their first game with Paraguay, and as I type being held 1-1 by the mighty New Zealand in the 86th minute. As yet there has been no real recriminations, but then we are still 4 minutes from the final whistle and the urgent requirement to beat Slovakia by a hatfull on Thursday to stumble into second place behind Paraguay assuming they manage at least a draw against NZ. Italy will then face Holland in the last 16 rather than the more managable proposition of Japan.

Dunga's Brazil have the opportunity of throwing off the Boring tag in their second game tonight against Ivory Coast. They scraped a 2-1 win in the first game against North Korea, but to be fair it's more than possible that the tactical genius of Great Leader Kim Jong Il is the thing that enabled them to match the Brazillians, that he communicates to team manager Kim Jong-hun via mobile telephones invisible to the naked eye that the Great Leader himself invented. Or so the North Koreans are claiming.

African hopes seem to hinge on Ghana and Cote de Ivoire at this stage, with Cameroon needing to beat the Clogs by at least two in their final game, and hope that Denmark do them a favour and beat the Japanese if they are to qualify. Nigeria need to beat South Korea on Tuesday by a similar margin and hope quite reasonably that Argentina do a job on Greece. The hosts will need a quite frankly unfeasable six goal win over France to stay in, and for Uruguay or Mexico to win without reply.

So as we move into the second week of group games, with the third games starting on Tuesday, this is where we are:

Group A

Uruguay and Mexico will both go through unless France or South Africa win and win well when they meet on Tuesday.

Group B

Argentina are through, South Korea are likely to join them unless they get well beaten by Nigeria and Argentina don't beat the Greeks.

Group C

England need to beat Slovenia to qualify. The USA also need a win against Algeria, who can only go through with a 2 goal victory over the Americans.

Group D

Germany need to beat Ghana as Serbia have to be favorites to beat the execrable Australians. That would put Germany through second to Serbia, and therefore playing England in the last 16 if England go through as group winners. If Ghana beat the Germans, and the Australians beat Serbia, then the Aussies can still go through and the Germans go out.

Group E

Holland are through, Japan will join them with a point against Denmark, who need to beat Japan to claim the second spot. Cameroon need a miracle.

Group F

Italy and New Zealand drew today, so now Italy will need to beat Slovakia to progress, unless NZ beat Paraguay, in which case it will be down to goal difference.

Group G

Only one game played so far, so hard to say. Brazil have a win, and Ivory Coast and Portugal drew.

Group H

Shock result of the tournament so far was Switzerland beating Spain, with Chile beating Honduras being a little less shocking. One game down, and Spain need 2 wins. Chile and Switzerland play tomorrow and the winner of that game will qualify.

Uruguay v France

Uruguay in light blue as the home side, looking every inch the poor man's Argentina, and France in their white 'away' kit, looking very Addidas retro and still making the most of their colonial heritage despite Zou Zou having retired. Anelka plays up front on his own, with Ribery on his left, and both full backs making the most of Uruguay's narrow 3 up front formation to get forward. Uruguay have Diego Forlan up front with his Robbie Savage hair.

Early doors France are playing nice little triangles and on about five minutes Ribery almost releases Anelka, but the referee penalises the frenchman for a pull. A minute later Ribery gets the first decent cross of the game in, and Govou makes a horlicks of what should have been the opening goal by missing from six yards.

It's another ten minutes before we see anything meaningful in front of goal as Forlan has a lovely long distance effort saved, before wunderkind Gorcouff has a dig from 30 yards as well a couple of minutes later and forces another good save.

Ribery joins Evera in the book for the same offence of pulling his man back as the clock heads toward 20 minutes. France are playing better football, but Uruguay have defended well but have been given up possession too easily with some hospital passes that mostly give France the ball back.

Gorcouff is determined to win goal of the tournament by hitting it from distance at every opportunity.

Around 37 minutes Galas is lucky to get a whistle from the referee as he loses Suarez who would have been clean through, Suarez seems unable to see the defenders inside him and consequently has been caught offside several times.

Just before half time Anelka fails to get a proper header on a good Sagna cross, and the teams go off, Uruguay to see if they can find some width, and the French to continue the Olympic standard bickering between Malouda and Domenech. Maybe they will have to be separated forcibly again.

The second half starts with no changes, and Gourcuff gets involved almost straight away with an overhit pass over the top into the area.

Forlan hits a free kick awarded for a foul on Suarez well to the far post, but Diaby is first to the ball, followed by a volley blasted wide by Arevalo. The Uruguay players seem to be finding it hard to stay on their feet, maybe the wrong studs?

In the fifty first minute Forlan gets on the end of a very good long ball out of defence, but Galas just about does enough by lunging in at the last minute. Forlan retaliates by landing on his meat and two veg.

Shortly after this i get interrupted by a text from Papa John's Pizza offering me a 'big game deal' tommorow. Do these cunts not know that there is a game on?

Gourcuff bangs another long range hit and hope effort in, the French are playing at a very English pace, unsuprisingly with so many Premiership players in there, but are lacking quality in the final third (he says dipping into his big book of footballing cliches)

Fifty Fifth minute, and Touralan catches a does of 'Gourcuff' and has a pop from fifty yards. The keeper gets down well to save, but it was going wide anyway.

Vic-Torino as I like to call him gets yellow for a tackle on the edge of the area, and Gourcuff spurns his opportiunity to just lash it in by crossing to Ribery who is on the edge of the D, and er, lashes it well high and wide.

Straight up to the other end, and Uruguay win a free kick in a similar area. They substitute Gonzalez for Lodiero who has featured heavily in the qualification matches. Forlan then hits the free kick straight at the keeper.

Evera is living dangerously with a nasty foul. he's already on a yellow. Lodiero is also booked for kicking the ball away

Things suddenly liven up when Touralan commits a nasty foul and the players get involved in a bit of handbags. Domenech who is loathed to miss the opportunity for a ruck this World Cup is straight up off the bench and gets involved. Straight away Diaby keeps it lively by clattering into a Uruguay player straight after the restart. The French bench decides to bring on Henry to improve their attacking play, inexplicably taking Anelka off for him. Govou has been dogshit, and clearly has some photos of Domenech in a compromising position with a poodle that he has threatened to show to Malouda if he's taken off.

Gourcuff is at it again, that one is almost a throw in. Domenech decides to make another change and Malouda is given time off from making voodoo dolls of the Manager in the back of the dugout to replace Gourcuff. He immediately proves he is the perfect replacement with a hopeful 40 yard luzz.

Lodiero is sent off for a frankly shocking tackle on Sagna in the 80th minute, could easily have been a straight red. Sagna leaves the pitch in order to call Domenech a cunt as he puts his shin pads back in. meanwhile Henry spurns a decent chance by being offside.

Raymond finally remembers that Govou is on the pitch, and immediately replaces him with Gigac the Toulouse striker, who jogs to the right wing position. no, seriously. France are all over it now, and Uruguay just can't get a foot on the ball. They bring on Eguren for Perez just for the fresh legs in the center of the park

Late in the game the French make a deeply ironic appeal for hand ball against Vic-Torino. It never is.

Thats pretty much that then, Malouda fails to beat the first man from a corner, Henry hits the wall from a decent free kick on the edge of the area, but all in all Uruguay hang on for the draw.

Man of the Match - Sagna - France.

South Africa v Mexico

It's here!!!! The World Cup has started.

Well, it finished 1-1.

I said earlier that the South Africans would need a huge dose of home advantage, and they look to have got that.

The first half was all Mexico, with the SA keeper making a superb reaction save from Franco, and another blinding save later in the game. In the second half the Mexicans couldn't maintain their domination of the possession, and the home side's first really convincing attack led to a goal that was either brilliant or a very lucky bit of hit and hope. Mexico always looked good value for an equaliser though, and as I mentioned, local desperation to keep the dream going led to a couple of really nasty looking last ditch tackles, and toward the end some very Wimbledon route one football. Mexico's goal was beautifully crafted, with Marques controling and placing the ball beautifully.

Right, now what time does the France game start?

UPDATE No3

This one is the last before the phony war is over, and we can start to talk about actual matches rather than the last friendlies or who has fallen over a bit and isn't feeling to chipper.

England of course played a final friendly earlier in the week against local team Platinum Stars, and you'll notice the complete absence of comment on it here. Thats mainly because despite watching most of it live on Sky Sports News I really couldn't find anything at all worth commenting on other than Wayne Rooney being a bit stupid, which you'll already have found out from one of the many press reports on a meaningless match, and the fact that the whole match was played at the sort of pace that would make Test Match cricket look like a second by second thrill ride.

What was vaguely interesting was that the Manager chose to start with Mini Judas and the Sideshow Freak up front, which coincides with my own feelings about the group stage, maybe Fabio reads me.

Other England news revolves around who has fallen over, who didn't fancy training, and when Rio Ferdinand will go home and then come back again. It also involves Dizzy Rascal who i rather like and James Corden who is kicking the arse out of it.

In other news, Mr Capello has had a row with a photographer. how exciting!

INJURIES

Manc and Portugal second string gheyboy Nani is out. If his performance for his National team is anything like his performances for his club, then it's probably a result for Portugal as they aren't short of drama queens as it is.

Iniesta has a minor thigh strain picked up in Spain's 6-0 demolition of long term England Nemesis Poland.

Terrifyingly, David Villa, David Silva, Torres, Fabregas and Xabi Alonso all scored in the game, so Spain wouldn't look as short of Goal scorers as say, England.

Sulley Muntari is a worry for Ghana, who have already lost Michael Essien from their midfield.

TRANSFER NEWS

World cup related transfers, quite apart from the dull and interminable Fabregas to Barcelona soap opera include Joe Cole and Michael Ballack having been released by Chelsea but no announcements on clubs yet, and Everton buying Portugal striker Joao Silva.

Less concrete is Villa losing Millner to Man Citeh who will also end up with Zatlan Ibrahimovich from Barca according to Hristo Stoichkov who doesn't rate the lanky Swede.

Apparently Inter Milan fancy Dirk Kuyt and Javier Mascherano, who would have guessed that link what with them being less than loved by the Liverpool fans and beardie loser Rafa Benietez going to Inter......

MATCH PREVIEW

SOUTH AFRICA V MEXICO

The big opener.

South Africa will need an enormous dose of home advantage to beat the useful Mexican side that has recently performed well against England and Holland before beating Italy in a late warm-up game.

South Africa have been woeful in recent years, and have lost their portly top striker Benni McCarthy who has swapped football for Pro-celebrity pie eating in the last 12 months.

Arsenal fans will keep an eye out for Mexico striker Vela, whilst Everton and Plymouth fans will be following Bafana Bafana with Steven Pienaar and Aaron Mokoena respectively playing in the Saffa side.

FRANCE V URUGUAY.

Bookies have the first booing of French coach Domenech at 30 to 40 seconds into the game following their last warm up game ending in an embarrassing defeat to China.

Florent Malouda has been all over the press telling the world that les Bleus are rubbish, and Thiery Henry's place in the team for the opening game is in doubt.

France are also notorious for their slow starts in Tournaments, so could be on the end of a hiding here. there's little point in listing players you might know, as you have heard of all of them, but do keep an eye out for Youan Gorcouff of Bordeaux, who is a very decent player and might well end up, shockingly for a Frenchman, at Arsenal.

Uruguay qualified well, beat a useful Israel team 4-1 in a late qualifier, and are playing well. Manc Utd fans may or may not want to cheer on Diego Forlan, but far more interesting is 23 year old Ajax striker Luis Suarez who has scored a fair few and is fancied by some of Europe's biggest clubs if he continues in the same vein.

Herbielizer update

Well, it's been almost two years now since it ran in anger, last season being completely missed due to financial and family problems, but The herbielizer will be back on the track this summer, possibly as soon as the Summer Nationals.

As we speak the car is at RNJ Motorsport with Rob Judge casting the magic spanners over the engine that we blew at VW Action 2008, and will have it in the car running soon with a freshly polished and balanced crank, a new rod and a new set of bearings as the last lot got cooked.

Monkeŷ and I spent the other weekend pulling out the door windows and winder mechs in advance of some new Perspex windows, and the splendid Jake Pyro has donated a new race seat to hold me off the floor of the newly barren interior. That's quite a lot of weight lost from the car, and along with some engine development as things progress we hope to see a ten second timing ticket at some point this season.

Biggest and best news though is that we have secured some sponsorship that should see the car with a new look and someone more reliable than me sorting the race entries. A full announcement will appear on here soon.

One love.

Justin R

On those horrible St George flags on cars...

If you drew a venn diagram showing in one circle people who know something about football, and in the other people who have little tesco St George's Crosses on their cars, then there would be a very small intersection.

However, if you drew a similar diagram of people who put shit plastic 'Ingerlund' flags on their cars, and people who read tabloid newspapers, believe stories like those going around that THEY are stopping people flying the flag, and are somewhat suspicious of foreign people and believe that they smell and are sometimes evil, then the two circles would almost overlap one another completely.

Things during a world cup that are crap:

Cheap flags hung in windows, especially those which have 'England' written across the middle in case you don't recognise the flag itself, or a brand name such as 'Sports Soccer' or 'Carlsberg'

Plastic George Crosses, either on cars or waved in pubs.

Knock-off 'England' clothing or nylon football shirts. The only exceptions being a proper red 1966 replica in cotton with no manufacturers logos, or genuine Admiral retro 1982 England shirts. add crass points for the names 'Lampard' or 'Rooney' on the back.

Stoodents in the pub wearing Brazil or Holland shirts that they have just brought, because they don't dig the hysteria man, and just want to watch the beautiful game. the affected twats. Unless they are actually Brazilian or Dutch.

Being so drunk by kick-off that you have no idea which country you are in, let alone which ones are playing.

Only wanting to watch Ingerlund matches. also pubs that only show Ingerlund games, despite there being a full 31 other teams involved some of which are much better at football than Ingerlund.

World Cup Update

UPDATE 2

England

Well, unless you have been asleep for the last week you'll know that Rio Ferdinand is out and has been replaced by Dawson.

Several other players missed individual training sessions, but no big news.

Tonight England will play a 'friendly' against local side Platinum Stars in Rustenberg. The tabs are up in arms because they don't have a great disciplinary record, but the real shocker is that Capello is planing to play his 'first 11' that will start against the USA, and by implication a team that will have to last the whole tournament.

Gareth Barry is still crocked according to the BBC, and will miss the USA game.

Friendlies

Wednesday 2 June

Zimbabwe 0-3 Brazil
Greece 0-2 Paraguay
Azerbaijan 0-0 Honduras
Poland 0-0 Serbia

Thursday 3 June

Spain 1-0 South Korea
Italy 1-2 Mexico 19:15
Germany 3-1 BiH

Friday 4 June

Japan 0-2 Ivory Coast
Slovenia 3-0 New Zealand
France 0-1 China

Saturday 5 June

Netherlands 6-1 Hungary
Australia 1-3 USA
South Africa 1-0 Denmark
Ghana 1-0 Latvia
Algeria 1-0 UAE
Romania 3-0 Honduras
Slovakia 3-0 Costa Rica
Serbia 4-3 Cameroon
Switzerland 1-1 Italy

Sunday 6 June

Nigeria 3-1 North Korea

Not many shocks there, Holland looking good value, and the USA winning by two but struggling in the second half against Australia. Italy drawing with Switzerland is mildly interesting, especially after losing to Mexico. France lost to China, Brazil and Paraguay looked good with painless wins against decent opposition.

Injuries

Robben looking doubtful for Holland after injuring his hammy in the friendly against Hungary

Liverpool man Martin Skertl hurt his ankle playing for Slovakia in their win over Costa Rica

Ghana looked iffy in a 1-0 win over Latvia in sunny Milton Keynes, clearly missing Essien who is out with a knee injury.

John Obi Mickel is also out with knee and ankle injuries

Didier Drogba had surgery on a broken arm on Saturday, but still hopes to make the first game.

World Cup Update

UPDATE No.1

Well, I suppose the big news yesterday was that the England final 23 was announced. It's been much discussed on the site already, so let me just say that I'm glad that Walcott didn't make the plane, glad that Joe Cole and Steven Warnock did, and gutted that Scott Parker and Michael Dawson didn't make it.

The squad is:

Goalkeepers: Joe Hart, David James, Robert Green.

Defenders: Jamie Carragher, Ashley Cole, Rio Ferdinand, Glen Johnson, Ledley King, John Terry, Matthew Upson, Stephen Warnock

Midfielders: Gareth Barry, Michael Carrick, Joe Cole, Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Aaron Lennon, James Milner, Shaun Wright-Phillips.

Forwards: Peter Crouch, Jermain Defoe, Emile Heskey, Wayne Rooney

For my money we shouldn't be thinking of playing Ferdinand, Terry, Lampard, Gerrard or Rooney and Heskey until the Round of 16 at the very earliest, unless we have either qualified early and can afford them a light stroll in a meaningless last group game, or in dire emergency.

There are players there who need to play themselves in, and the players mentioned need longer to be fully fit for the important games. It works from both sides of the coin, and the 'second string' players should be easily capable of beating our group opposition.

in other news.....

Samuel Eto'o got himself sent off as Cameroon lost in a friendly with Portugal. Eto'o is still mightily pissed off at Roger Milla having a pop at him in the local press, and this won't help his mood.

Marchello Lippi left the only non-Italian based player out of his final squad, Guiseppe Rossi of Villareal. Francesco Totti also failed to make the plane despite coming out of retirement to lend the Azzzuri a hand.

Disgusting Fatbody Benni McCarthy was left out by South Africa. Rumours that the local federation couldn't afford the excess baggage charges on the West Ham lard arse are unfounded. The rest of the Saffa squad had a good night out, beating Guatemala 5-0 in their penultimate warm-up game.

The Cloggies handed out a sound thrashing to potential England R16 opponents Ghana last night, goals from Kuyt, Van der Vaart, Wesley Snijder and Van Persie sealed a 4-1 victory for the Dutch. Hup Holland!

Chelsea youngster and FvdE 'one to watch' Miroslav Stotch made the final squad for Slovakia, after impressing on loan at FC Twente and scoring 12 goals on their run in to the Dutch league title.

Friendly results:

Australia 1-0 Denmark
Netherlands 4-1 Ghana
Portugal 3-1 Cameroon
Switzerland 0-1 Costa Rica

The Salford Red Devils have signed Mexico striker Javier Hernandez subject to a work permit. Meanwhile Giovanni Dos Santos has threatened to quit the squad over the exclusion of his brother. oh bless.

Harry Redknapp is definitely not tapping up Scott Parker with a page long soliloquy to the West Ham midfielder published in the Daily Mail today.

The Straylian's have failed to submit their final 23 man squad before the FIFA deadline. Maybe they just can't read to well, or they left the team sheet in the pub or something.

Oh, and Marca in Spain is saying that Stevie G is on his way to lead The Special One's Real revival.

The World Cup - My stuff migrated from VZi so it stays together.

Tomorrow is June, so it's just 12 days from the kick off of the 2010 World Cup Finals for Association Football.

The Tabloids and even the grown up papers will all be publishing 'guides' to the FIFA World Cup TM, pretending for a minute that they can talk about something other than England and Premiership based players, so I thought I would have a go as well.

GROUP A

FRANCE:

The main thing that you need to know about this year's vintage of 'Les Bleus' is that absolutely everybody hates Raymond Domenech. The players hate him, the fans hate him, and the media hate him. so in that sense the French are totally together.

The team is acceptable, although they struggled a little in qualification, only beating the Faroe Islands by a single goal away, and drawing with Romania and Serbia, requiring the infamous assistance of Thierry Henry's hand to beat Ireland in a play-off.

Most of the team is made up of Arsenal players and ex-Arsenal players, but haven't yet made the step across from the old boys of the Thierry Henry era into the brave new world of the latest Clairefontaine graduates.

Key Player: If Thierry Henry can remember where the net is they should make it through the group stage. This time.

One to watch: Youann Gourcuff of Bordeaux. Might be at Arsenal next season if Cesc's Dad gets his way.

MEXICO

Did well in qualifying in the less testing CONCACAF group, second to the USA and 17th in the FIFA rankings.

Used to be personified by being photofit five foot six barrel chested Aztec shitkickers, but all seem to look Spanish these days, and less inclined to on-pitch fistycuffs.

Really should have beaten England and Holland in recent friendlies if that means anything, and should go through with the French from Group A, assuming no local favoring FIFA shenanigans.

Key Player: They've selected about a dozen forwards, so the meager midfield will be anchored by vetran Torrado, who along wih fellow vetrans Franco and Blanco will add some experience to the squad.

Ones to watch Arsenal and Tottenham combine as Carlos Vela and Giovanni Dos Santos hope to impose themselves.

SOUTH AFRICA

Wouldn't have got to the finals if they weren't hosting it. Mind you, Brazilian coach Perreria has taken four different teams to the finals, so you can't rule anything out.

Ranked 83rd in the Fifa rankings, they will be heavily reliant on the foreign based players to get anywhere, although apart from a few Premiership journeymen most of those ply their trade in the less challenging Greek and Israeli leagues.

Key Players: Captain and Portsmouth player Aaron Mokoena and Everton's Stephen Piennar are both as close to quality as South Africa get.

One to watch: West Ham's Benni McCarthy. Will he be playing up front having got fit at the pre-tournament training camp, or will he be doubling up as a kid's bouncy castle on the sidelines?

URUGUAY

Respectable South American side used to fighting for the scraps behind Brazil and Argentina in Copa America and World Cup qualifying.

Still cling defiantly to the shitkicking Aztec mould that Mexico have recently abandoned, they have a decent side that will think that they have the best chance in a while of making it out of the group stages. Mostly famous for winning far more often before the 1950's.

Key Player Forlan had a good season at Athletico Madrid. No, honest.

One to watch Nicholas Lodeiro was player of the match in their qualifying play off game, and has made some appearances for Ajax late in the season.

GROUP B

ARGENTINA

Led by former Coke fiend and all round mentalist Diego Maradona, they did appallingly in qualifying, and are by all accounts in a state of disarray.

Therefore, they will of course win it.

No, bear with me. Maradona might not be the world's best manager, but he might just know how to motivate the famously contrary South Americans in a World Cup Finals.

Key Players: er.... Heinze, Higuain, Messi, Tevez, Mascherano, Maxi Rodriguez, Samuel......

Player to watch Will you have Juan Sebastian Veron? apparently having an Indian Summer at Estudientes? no? ok then, any of the rest of them really.

GREECE

Led by typically efficient German Otto Rehagell, they beat Ukraine in a playoff after finishing second to Switzerland in qualifying.

Basically the Panathinaikos team with a few others added to make up the 22.

key player: f Theofanis Gekas scored ten in qualifying, so will be a key player in the tournament itself for them.

Players you will have heard of: Sotirios Kyrgiakos of Liverpool or perhaps Georgios Samaras of Celtic??

NIGERIA

African Light-Heavyweights with a massive selection of European based players whose names begin or end in O or U.

Interesting in that all 3 of their goalkeepers play in Israel.

A disappointing 3rd in the Africa Cup of Nations earlier in the year means that they will either be eager for revenge, or slipping further from the heights. Their players might not be the biggest names in African football, but they have more strength in depth than some.

Key Players: Everton pair of Yakubu and Yobo.

Players to watch: Bolton's Danny Shittu? average player, puntastic name. oh ok then, John Obi Mikel of Chelsea, and Obafemi Martins had a decent term at Wolfsburg.

SOUTH KOREA

Probably more concerned by torpedo attacks from Kim il Jung than the World Cup, so can be forgiven if their mind isn't 100% on it...

Surprise package of the Japan/Korea World Cup which has led some of the better players to play abroad, Cruised qualifying and will hope to qualify alongside Argentina in possibly the closest race for second place in the tournament.

Key Player: Park Ji Sung - Manc with a great chant

You might also have heard of: Lee-Chung Young. plays for Bolton.

GROUP C

ALGERIA

Had a relatively blinding ACN, where they finished 4th despite a record 4-0 loss to the hated Egypt, they extracted revenge by beating them in a qualification playoff, but realistically will be lucky if they get past the group stage here.

Mainly French and German based players along with a sprinkling of locally based ES Setif players.

They play a good style of football, so will be entertaining to watch, and are even more antipathetic to the French than we are, although they have no chance of playing them in this tournament.

Key Player: Rafik Sailif of Istres in France. easily the higest scorer in International football that they can muster.

One to watch: well, I'll be mostly watching Belhaj as he might well end up at West Ham following the wholesale purchase of the Portsmouth team by Golivan and Avram Grant.

ENGLAND

Do I have to? If you really don't know, just read any newspaper published in the months of May and June.

Oh OK.

Basically:

Ferdinand and Terry are both too old, too unfit and too positionally inept to win a world cup as Center backs.

Their Understudies are King and Upson, who are repsectively too unfit and had an absolute stinker of a season.

The first choice Fullbacks are good, Cole and Johnson. Beyond that we are in trouble.

We have far too many wide midfielders that are runners not players.

Lampard and Gerrard can't play together, but we have nobody else good enough to play with them individually. Also, Lampard is shit with a dead ball, but insists that he takes everything.

Rooney looks dead on his feet, so should be rested for the group games and Defoe and Crouch trusted to get the job done so he is fresh for the last 16. Won't happen though.

Key Player: Rooney.

Player to watch: John Terry's comedy defensive positioning? oh ok then, at a press Joe Cole might turn out to be a World Cup star. God help us if he writes a book off the back of it.

SLOVENIA:

Impenetrable Balkans.

Mostly known in the UK for not being Serbia.

However, they beat the Russians to grab a qualifying place after finishing to easily mistakable Slovakia in their group.

Slovenia is next to Hungary and Italy, and is part of the EU. Wikipedia turns up no interesting facts about Slovenia at all.

Key/recognizable/one to watch player: er, Captain Robert Koren of West Brom. There are no others.

THE YOONITED STATES OF AMERICA! YAY!! GO USA

They call it Soccer.

76th most popular sport in the US behind American Football, Basketball, Baseball, Golf, Water Polo and Lacrosse.

Key Players: Landon Donovan who is best known to the Tabloids for being beastly about Becks at LA Galaxy, and Clint Dempsey are both more than OK.

Ones to watch: It's not just Maids, Gardeners and cheap labour that the Americans import from Mexico, there are some halfway decent 'naturalised American' Mexicans in their Footall team as well. Jose Torres is a minature midfielder, and Hercules Gomez plays up front. Other than that, try and work out what business Johnathan Spector has playing International Football.

GROUP D

AUSTRALIA

Set up for a possible 'Ashes' style head to head with Ingerlund in the round of 16, Australians mostly ignore 'Soccer' unless they are Greek. (The Australia v Greece game a few years ago attracted 65,000 fans to the MCG)

Most of their players do or have played in the English leagues either in the Premiership or Fizzy Drink Championship, so can't be discounted. Also easy to support against the Germans by the average Ingelund fan.

Key Players: Tim Cahill and Mark Schwarzer, again more than acceptable players

One to watch As you'll recognize at least the names of most of their players, I'm going for Vince Grella.

GERMANY

The Old Enemy.

The one we all want to beat.

Unfortunately for fans of fair play and decency, 4 of their key players have been ruled out already (Ballack, Adler, Traesch and Westermann), and they weren't the Power that they where even before that setback.

Will depend very much on keeping their remaining established players fit, and who they manage to find to take with them.

Key Players: Bayern Munich pair Klose and Gomez up front, and vetran Schweinsteiger in the middle. Captain Lahm in defence.

One to Watch: Tasci of Stuttgart.

GHANA

African Middleweights with great background in Olympic Football (under 22) that they haven't converted into success at full International level.

Most players playing in Europe, with a strong Italian Serie A bias in the midfield.

Key Players: Asamoah Gyan of Rennes was top scorer in qualifying. Sulley Muntari of Inter and Stephen Appiah of Bologna experienced midfield generals who also know where the goal is.

One to watch: AC Milan prospect Dominic Adiyiah

SERBIA

Coached by Raddy Antic, another former Yugoslavian side, that has a decent set of players mostly based overseas in the big European leagues, with a hefty dose of Ultra Nationalism and some monkey chants thrown in by the fans.

A top 20 FIFA ranking and beating France into second place in qualifying suggest that it might not be just a cameo for these boys, reinforced by the number of Champions League players they will bring. Could be dark horses for a Quarter Final.

Key Players Jovanvic was top scorer in Qualifying, other than that Stankovic, Ivanovic and Vidic are the most recognisable names to us in the UK.

One to watch: Radovan Petrovic of Partizan could be interesting, and is one of the few home based players. he's 21 and has 6 caps, so must be doing something ok in that sort of company.

GROUP E

CAMEROON

The Indomitable Lions.

Perhaps the most successful African team in the World Cup, they reached the quarter finals in 1990, who could forget Roger Milla dancing around the corner flag?

Unfortunately Roger Milla can't forget his past either, and has spent most of the intervening 20 years reminding the rest of the Nation's footballers that they aren't as good as him.

And mostly he's been right, more notable in the past three World Cup's for their Puma kits that have been sleeveless and one piece at various times, they haven't made it past the group stage.

However, this year sees them field one of the World's best strikers in Samuel Eto'o along with a host of young European based hopefuls mixed with a few old hands to keep the youngsters in check.

Should progress along with the Dutch.

Key Players Eto'o is the man. If he decides to play after Milla savaged him in the local press again.

Ones to watch Another team with a good bit of Arsenal/Tottenham interest (who would have thought it eh? Arsene and Harry both liking a Franco-phone African.......) with Tottenham pair Assou Ekotto and Basong in defence, and Arsenal's much improved Alex Song in the middle. Also look out for Pierre Webbo of Real Mallorca and Achille Emana of Real Betis.

DENMARK

A respectable but aging squad with most of it's star players in their 30's, Denmark failed to qualify for the last World Cup or European Championships but are here after topping their group with a win over Sweden.

Despite being relatively elderly, they still seem to know where the goal is, beating the USA 3-1 in November last year, and Senegal 2-0 last month. However they did also lose to Austria in that period.

Will be hoping that Roger Milla gets as much screen time and press as possible in the next fortnight.

Key Players: Hopefully the creaking old bones of Jon Dahl Tommason, Martin Jorgensen and Dennis Rohmedahl are still up for the battle, and that Daniel Agger and Nikolas Bendtner are better for their National side than their clubs.

One to watch: With only 4 players under 25 in the squad it's difficult to pick a young hopeful who will make a splash.

NETHERLANDS

The most shocking thing about the Dutch recently is that they seem to have stopped fighting amongst themselves, although you can always rely on Wesley Sneijder to liven things up should it all become a little too amicable for the excitable Cloggies.

They have a great team, but like the Spaniards they also seem able to clutch defeat from the jaws of certain victory.

Regulars in the semi's and quarter finals of the European Championships, they have struggled with the World Cup since the Glory days of the seventies and Cruyff's Total Football.

Need to win their group to avoid Italy in the group of 16, and should manage that at least.

Key players: Like Argentina, almost an embarrassment of riches, but not quite as much as the sum of the parts at the moment. Van Persie, Robben, Huntleear and Van der Vart need to be at their best.

One to watch: Wesley Sneijder is always favourite to liven things up.

JAPAN

Mostly home based in the massively funded and quite impressive J-league. Their best players have the sort of profile in Japan that David and Mrs Beckham can only dream about, mobbed by obsessive fans everywhere and generally treated like....well like everybody else who has obtained semi deity levels of fame in Japan.

In reality the team is the powerhouse of Asian football, and has been invited twice to compete in the Copa America. Was the first team to qualify for the Finals, and have a decent chance of progressing here for the second time in their history.

They have also recently adopted the marvelous nickname 'Samurai Blue'

Key Players: Shunsuke Nakamura is their top scorer, Yuji Nakazawa is also a big name with over 100 caps and a lot of goals for a defender.

One to watch: Yuji Nakazawa 24 year old Shimizu S-Pulse forward who has scored 16 goals in 27 appearances. VZi football Tour vetrans will also be keeping an eye out for former St Ettienne player Daisuke Matsui, he comes from Tokyo, his name's a Radio!!

GROUP F

ITALY

Marchello Lippi's Serie-A representative Eleven contains only one player who plays outside of the Italian League, and are current World Champions following their 4th win in 2006.

Might at a push be accused of being a little past their best, and lightweight up front, but when you win everything one-nil then how many strikers do they need? will be highly organised, cynical and a bit dull.

Key Players: Depressingly, for everybody else, the first eleven is pretty awesome. Buffon, Cannavaro, Zambrotta, Chiellni, Gattusso, Pirlo, Camoranesi, Gillardini.......

Ones to watch Roma's Daniele De Rossi is a bit handy.

PARAGUAY

A decent record in the last three World Cup's where they have progressed from their group 2 out of 3 times, and beat Argentina in the qualifying group, so not too shabby.

Most of the squad is South America based, with a few playing in the more desirable climates of Northern England with Wigan, Sunderland and Manchester City. Exotic.

Key Players Nah, you've got me with this one. I'm going Tabloid and just listing the ones that play in the Premiership. Paolo de Silva (Sunderland) Christian Riveros (Sunderland) and Roque Santa Cruz (Man City) also coincidently are the top scorers and amongst the most capped, so probably not far off the truth. There is also young Wigan player Antolin Alcaraz, but he only has 4 caps.

One to watch: You are kidding me aren't you? OK, Valdez of Borussia Dortmund and Cardozo of Benfica are both decent strikers.

NEW ZEALAND

The imaginatively named All Whites go to their second World Cup finals mostly because FIFA moved Australia into the Asian Qualifying group leaving the Kiwis to battle the might of Vanuatu and New Caledonia as well as the powerhouse that is Fiji in their group, before playing off with Bahrain. In effect, a bye.

Overshadowed at home by Rugby of both codes, Cricket, sheep bothering and pretending to be in the 1950's as popular pastimes, the squad is mostly unknown to anyone who isn't a diehard Kiwi football fan. (Doug, Dave, Kevin from the pub, Big Doug, and that bloke with the dog from Wellington).

Players you might have heard of: er, Ryan Nelsen of Blackburn Rovers is the Captain of his national side.....Tractor Boy might be able to tell you something interesting about Tommy Smith, apart from him having a proper footballers name.

SLOVAKIA

Easily confused with Slovenia for us Brits.

Although being another Balkan State, they'd probably lynch you for saying that.

Many German based players, along with a wide selection of players plying their trade across Europe, not many big names, but some very handy players that will give Paraguay a game for the second spot.

This will be their first World Cup that they have qualified for after independence.

Key players: Robert Vittek of Lille is the top scorer, Martin Skertl of Liverpool and Marek Cech of West Brom are both decent enough players

One to watch Miroslav Stoch is supposed to be very useful. He's been at Chelsea for 2 years and has yet to start a Premiership game, but at 20 years old he has time. ten appearances and one goal for his National team.

GROUP G

(It's traditional to have a 'group of death'. In 2010 this is probably it.)

BRAZIL

Football's Harlem Globetrotters.

The team that has launched a thousand over opinionated Students standing in pubs wearing their replica shirts and talking too loudly about players that they never saw play and 'Samba Football'. or some such bollocks.

Also probably still the bookies favorite to win the thing again, despite not being the strongest Brazil squad ever.

Mostly made up of players with just one name, think Pele, Socrates, Zico, Dunga (who is the manager this year) and that buck toothed fella who used to be good.

Key Players: Daniel Alves, Kaka, Juliho Baptista, Kleberson and Captain Lucio.

One to watch: Nilmar of Villa Real.

IVORY COAST

Didier Drogba and friends.

African Heavyweights with a raft of Superstar players from the big European Leagues, and the odd passport with a hard to believe age on it.

As usual, Arsenal will be well represented within the Franco-phone side, as well as Chelsea, Seville, Barca and the top French sides.

Key Player er, Didier Drogba.

Players to watch Various Toure's (Kolo from Man City and Yaya of Barca) Eboue of Arse, Zokora of Seville, Kalou of Chelsea and keep an eye out for Gervinho of Lille and Dutch Champion's FC Twente's Chiek Tiote.

PORTUGAL

They have Christiano Ronaldo in the same way that Cote de Ivoire has Drogba.

Chelsea-centric defence from the Special One's days play behind a mostly Spanish based team. struggled in qualification and another side that has always struggled to live up to the quality of the individuals involved. Also struggling still to get over the shadow of the Luis Figo figureheaded 'Golden Generation'.

key player: Ronaldo. simple as. If the rentboy looking Galactico performs, then they will do ok.

Other key players: Ricardo Carvalho, Paulo Ferreira and Deco of Chelsea, Nani from the Red Mancs, Tiago and Simao of Athletico Madrid.

NORTH KOREA

To be honest, you have as much of a clue as me.

Qualified top of their group on goal difference from Saudi Arabia.

All home based apart from a single Japan based player and Captain and top scorer Hong Yong-Jo who plays for Rostov in Russia.

Key Player: Kim Jong Il.

GROUP H

CHILE

Finished second to Brazil in the murderous South American qualifying group, so a bit tasty.

No real superstars that the Europeans would recognize, but seem to like a tear-up having been banned from the 1990 and 1994 events due to a qualifying scandal were the goalkeeper pretended to have been hit by a firework thrown by a Brazilian fan, and the team refused to come back out due to the 'danger'. Then banned 7 of their own players in 1997 due to bad behaviour at the Copa America....so should add some colour to proceedings.

Key player: Humberto Suazo of Montherey is their top scorer

One to watch: Alexis Sánchez of Udinese has scored 11 in 28 appearances, and is 20 years old.

HONDURAS

Last of the 3 Concaf region qualifiers, having finished behind TEAM USA! and Mexico.

Mostly home based players, but another team with an odd Wigan contingent and the essential Tottenham player.

Key Players: Captain Amado Guevara has 133 caps and is a goal scoring midfielder. Top scorer Carlos Pavón has 57 international goals to his name in 98 games. Wilson Palacios of Tottenham is a very good player.

Wigan players: Maynor Figueroa and Hendry Thomas

SPAIN

Should win it, but probably won't.

You know all their players, Liverpool's Keeper Reina and Striker Torres, and Arsenal's Fabregas along with the cream of Barcelona and Real Madrid and the star players of a few other Primera League teams.

Yet again, Spain should be amongst the favourites, but in the past they have always managed to find a way not to make it not quite work out, although they made the Quarter Finals in '86 '94 and '02 and won the last European Championships. Have lost one game since June '09, being beaten 2-0 by the yooessaye.

Key Players: Casillas, Pique, Puyol, Ramos, Arbeloa, Iniesta, Hernandez, Fabregas, Alonso, Silva, Villa, Torres.

One to watch: There's no point, you know them all already.

Everybody else hopes.... er, Torres isn't fit and Fabregas is too busy worrying about his move to Barcelona?

SWITZERLAND

Ottmar Hitzfeld has done well with this lot.

Won their group comfortably, and will be keen to make the group of 16.

Also fond of Cuckoo Clocks and Toblerone as well as questionable Football Club names.

Key Players: Hakan Yakin scored all 3 Swiss goals in Euro '08. Alexander Frei is the top scorer with 40 goals in 73 games.

Watch out for: Valon Bherami looking forward to a big payday with his new club, and maybe not stinking the World Cup out like he did Upton Park this season. Arsenal's Phillipe Senderos is also in the side.