Uruguay v France

Uruguay in light blue as the home side, looking every inch the poor man's Argentina, and France in their white 'away' kit, looking very Addidas retro and still making the most of their colonial heritage despite Zou Zou having retired. Anelka plays up front on his own, with Ribery on his left, and both full backs making the most of Uruguay's narrow 3 up front formation to get forward. Uruguay have Diego Forlan up front with his Robbie Savage hair.

Early doors France are playing nice little triangles and on about five minutes Ribery almost releases Anelka, but the referee penalises the frenchman for a pull. A minute later Ribery gets the first decent cross of the game in, and Govou makes a horlicks of what should have been the opening goal by missing from six yards.

It's another ten minutes before we see anything meaningful in front of goal as Forlan has a lovely long distance effort saved, before wunderkind Gorcouff has a dig from 30 yards as well a couple of minutes later and forces another good save.

Ribery joins Evera in the book for the same offence of pulling his man back as the clock heads toward 20 minutes. France are playing better football, but Uruguay have defended well but have been given up possession too easily with some hospital passes that mostly give France the ball back.

Gorcouff is determined to win goal of the tournament by hitting it from distance at every opportunity.

Around 37 minutes Galas is lucky to get a whistle from the referee as he loses Suarez who would have been clean through, Suarez seems unable to see the defenders inside him and consequently has been caught offside several times.

Just before half time Anelka fails to get a proper header on a good Sagna cross, and the teams go off, Uruguay to see if they can find some width, and the French to continue the Olympic standard bickering between Malouda and Domenech. Maybe they will have to be separated forcibly again.

The second half starts with no changes, and Gourcuff gets involved almost straight away with an overhit pass over the top into the area.

Forlan hits a free kick awarded for a foul on Suarez well to the far post, but Diaby is first to the ball, followed by a volley blasted wide by Arevalo. The Uruguay players seem to be finding it hard to stay on their feet, maybe the wrong studs?

In the fifty first minute Forlan gets on the end of a very good long ball out of defence, but Galas just about does enough by lunging in at the last minute. Forlan retaliates by landing on his meat and two veg.

Shortly after this i get interrupted by a text from Papa John's Pizza offering me a 'big game deal' tommorow. Do these cunts not know that there is a game on?

Gourcuff bangs another long range hit and hope effort in, the French are playing at a very English pace, unsuprisingly with so many Premiership players in there, but are lacking quality in the final third (he says dipping into his big book of footballing cliches)

Fifty Fifth minute, and Touralan catches a does of 'Gourcuff' and has a pop from fifty yards. The keeper gets down well to save, but it was going wide anyway.

Vic-Torino as I like to call him gets yellow for a tackle on the edge of the area, and Gourcuff spurns his opportiunity to just lash it in by crossing to Ribery who is on the edge of the D, and er, lashes it well high and wide.

Straight up to the other end, and Uruguay win a free kick in a similar area. They substitute Gonzalez for Lodiero who has featured heavily in the qualification matches. Forlan then hits the free kick straight at the keeper.

Evera is living dangerously with a nasty foul. he's already on a yellow. Lodiero is also booked for kicking the ball away

Things suddenly liven up when Touralan commits a nasty foul and the players get involved in a bit of handbags. Domenech who is loathed to miss the opportunity for a ruck this World Cup is straight up off the bench and gets involved. Straight away Diaby keeps it lively by clattering into a Uruguay player straight after the restart. The French bench decides to bring on Henry to improve their attacking play, inexplicably taking Anelka off for him. Govou has been dogshit, and clearly has some photos of Domenech in a compromising position with a poodle that he has threatened to show to Malouda if he's taken off.

Gourcuff is at it again, that one is almost a throw in. Domenech decides to make another change and Malouda is given time off from making voodoo dolls of the Manager in the back of the dugout to replace Gourcuff. He immediately proves he is the perfect replacement with a hopeful 40 yard luzz.

Lodiero is sent off for a frankly shocking tackle on Sagna in the 80th minute, could easily have been a straight red. Sagna leaves the pitch in order to call Domenech a cunt as he puts his shin pads back in. meanwhile Henry spurns a decent chance by being offside.

Raymond finally remembers that Govou is on the pitch, and immediately replaces him with Gigac the Toulouse striker, who jogs to the right wing position. no, seriously. France are all over it now, and Uruguay just can't get a foot on the ball. They bring on Eguren for Perez just for the fresh legs in the center of the park

Late in the game the French make a deeply ironic appeal for hand ball against Vic-Torino. It never is.

Thats pretty much that then, Malouda fails to beat the first man from a corner, Henry hits the wall from a decent free kick on the edge of the area, but all in all Uruguay hang on for the draw.

Man of the Match - Sagna - France.