Wanted Down Under.

Now, I am aware that maybe not all of you are self-unemployed or Dole Scum, but you really should Sky+ this little beaut if you aren't near a TV at 9.15 in the morning.

It's what the BBC think is a good use of the Licence Payers money, a show about taking some bunch of Norvern Monkeys over to 'Straylia and basically taking the piss out of how dreary and average their lives are in some shit kicking northern backwater, and showing them how marvelous things are in the former colonies.

But what really grates isn't the slackjawed astonishment of the Mechanic/Ariel fitter or Telecoms monkey that they drag out there that they might be able to afford a house with an indoor lavvy in 'Straylia, but the constant puffing of smoke up the Antipodean arse by the presenter. They are wholely unwilling to accept that there may be reasons that people who don't live in some provincial backwater might not think that Australia is Heaven on Earth, but is in fact a flyblown hell hole mostly populated by gobshite inbreds whose last good read had fabric pages.

"Ooh Here we are Surfers Paradise, yes, there are used hypodermics all over the beach, and everyone is drunk or high, but look at the lovely sea!!!"

"Yes, the Brown King snake is the worlds most venomous reptile, but apparently they shit actual diamonds!!!"

"Here in Woolabagooma the temperature hasn't dipped below 42 degrees since November, so you'll get a lovely tan."

"Look at your lovely big garden, you can have lots of those famous Aussie Barbies in that eh? and you probably won't get bitten by anything that will kill you, or eaten by the wildlife. The Neighbours are lovely boorish beer soaked Rugby League fans who are very friendly and will almost never be out of your fridge, and are almost completely house trained"

Lets be honest, Australia has no culture to speak of, is like Britain in the 1950's but without the commitment to personal hygine, and there are very good reasons that when we discovered it, we decided to use it as a Prison. Australia isn't the land of milk and honey that the tabloid readers think, it's got it's fair share of social issues, crime, poverty and other shite, it's got a climate that is so unrelenting in being too bastard hot that you'd want to kill everyone you meet for fully 5 months of the year. Yes the houses are big, because they have miles of dusty scrub to build on that is fuck all use for anything else, but you can drive for days on end without finding anything worth stopping for.

There is a very good reason that London is full of bastard Colonials, and the fuckers just won't leave.